


Real, real love

by ninthdreamie



Series: the squirrel and his dearest acorn [12]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Best Friends to Lovers, Bottom Na Jaemin, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Misunderstandings, Slow Build, Tearjerking Fluff, The Author Regrets Nothing, Top Lee Jeno, i suck at tagging i'm so sorry, na jaemin centric, okay i have to warn who tops and bottoms at the last part now, trigger warning: sexual harrassment!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-10 14:23:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 34,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20136898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninthdreamie/pseuds/ninthdreamie
Summary: Jaemin realizes that he likes his best friend, Jeno, more than he should.





	Real, real love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [5seconds](https://archiveofourown.org/users/5seconds/gifts), [electrolyte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrolyte/gifts), [hoeunki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoeunki/gifts).

> get ready for this long author’s note.
> 
> first of all, i want to dedicate this monster fic to the following people: erika, ara, clai, thiya, mai, kiki, ate ross, dani, amia, priz, lei, rida, cherry, daphne, stormy. thank you for giving me the support, encouragement, and love that i thought i needed to finally finish this. thank you for being a part of the fic’s growth. without it, this child of mine probably wouldn’t have seen the light. you guys have been awesome support systems, and my heart couldn’t express enough.
> 
> second of all, yes. this is not my first monster fic. the first one is in my wips, 45k and counting, unfinished but something i’ll definitely never touch again for it’s too dark. this time around, i wrote this with a lighter heart, and the better part of the way i view life. i thought that writing all of my headcanons with my favorite trope (bffs to lovers) would be a great idea, so i went on with it...until it got to 10k, to 20k, to this.
> 
> this fic may not be loved by everyone. it may not be everyone’s favorite, or one of the best. but honestly, i genuinely wouldn’t care because writing this fic made me so happy; it filled the empty spaces of my heart that when i finished it, i almost cried. i’ll probably never experience so much euphoria in me ever again, after this. so i consider this monster fic my baby, my best work, and i can’t wait for all of you to read this.
> 
> so enjoy reading! here's my playlist!
> 
> [warning: if you are not comfortable with the sexual harrassment scene and/or the sexual content (even if it is not so explicit for this one) feel free to skip both!
> 
> clarifications: jeno and jaemin are both legal adults in this fic already. 20 years, in korean age.]

Jaemin finally gets to sit on his bed, letting his back rest against the headboard. Sighing out of tiredness from the day, his hands reach for his journal and his standard black ballpen by the nightstand, with the slightest struggle because he did not want to move so much.

Before he lets himself be judged, he is aware that some people these days think that it’s cheesy to own a journal, but Jaemin is quite forgetful and he’d like to look back on certain memories one day with this, and remember what he felt on those times.

Even if it means some of those memories will make him have to relive the heartbreak again in the near future.

He opens his journal to the most recent page he did not write on yet. He sighs yet again, places a hand over his chest for a second or two―perhaps more, letting some air get in his lungs so he can breathe properly.

_This will be my longest entry yet_, Jaemin tells himself as he begins to making letters on the page with his pen. His handwriting is quite messy, not even following the lines of the page, but it’s still understandable nonetheless. What matters is that he is pouring his feelings out right now.

_On the 2nd of March_, Jaemin writes down. _I got to realize something as I was driven home. It was unexpected, but the best things for me lately always came that way: like a sucker punch to my brain._

Jaemin bites his chapped lower lip, a force of habit, his hand not stopping to write letters. _But I’m not sure if this realization will actually lead me to something good, or awesome, or something spectacular. Something close to perfect. Whatever, I don’t know._

The tip of the pen overflows with ink, and in the midst of writing, blots appear. It leaves a stain on his hand as well. However, Jaemin does not pay mind to it as he flipped the fully written page and began writing on the back of it.

_Anyways, I was never really fascinated with his eyes, or with his nicely structured face. Or with the way he talks and moves, or the way he treats me. I just knew him for a really long time now, so everything about him just feels familiar, nothing new. Like I’m used to it, I’m used to his existence._

_But maybe it’s because puberty is over for us that I’m beginning to see Jeno in a different light, a new perspective. He’s much more handsome now. He’s more handsome than I thought he was. He can act cute now without trying. He’s still shy and does not know how to act around people sometimes but he’s trying his best and he’s improving. I don’t know, it’s just that I begin to notice that there are small changes I notice in him everyday and for every new thing I discover, I begin to like him more than I should._

As he is writing this down, he begins imagining that maybe one day, he will go back to this and roll his eyes, and cringe. Maybe all of these feelings inside him will go away quicker than he thought, that this is just temporary because he’s bored. Or maybe these will last longer, that this is _real_. But for now, he is in the middle of questioning and accepting it.

He feels like this—_whatever _this is about to turn into…will be something life-changing.

_I guess I’m starting to see Jeno as someone more than my best friend_.

*

See, Jeno is not one of the approachable popular kids, and neither is he one of the stoners and loners some students tend to shame just to fit in. According to the unspoken high school caste system, he is labeled as one of the honor students, somewhere in the middle. Therefore, the only thing that makes him stand out to mostly everybody is that he’s smart. He is also shy, and dead quiet if surrounded by people he does not really consider friends.

Still, Jeno mingles with each sector of the system. Sometimes, he’d hang with the jocks and cheerleaders for a bit on Mondays; then he’d watch the stoners do what they do on Tuesdays; and then he holds conversations with fellow chameleons during lunch on Wednesdays; and for Thursdays, he joins in the honor students’ group study gatherings in the library; and then he’ll chill in the cold student council room with some of the officers on Fridays.

And where does Jaemin fit there? Simple, they’re always together. Just like his best friend, he’s a honor student too. Never one without the other.

There are even times where the two of them don’t really talk to anyone, but each other. They’d be out of the students’ sight and hang out on the back of Jeno’s pickup truck in the school parking lot, in their own little world.

It is why they are assumed to be more than friends by their fellow seniors, and to some of the students on the lower levels. Simply because, again, that wherever Jaemin is, Jeno is there, and vice versa.

And if anyone dares to think that their connection is codependent, well it isn’t. They know how to take care of themselves. They just like being around each other a lot, which stirred up questions amongst their batch.

“Are you guys dating?” A jock asked Jaemin one time. “Not that I’m against gay stuff I mean, I am okay with that it’s just...you guys are too close to be called friends.”

There was even one time a stoner told him what their friendship seemed to be like through a Vine. “Two bros chilling in a hot tub, five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay!” Jaemin ignored it, but he laughed at the reference.

All of these stuffs never really bothered him.

Until he began to look at Jeno differently, that is.

Ever since Jaemin wrote that entry, he began to feel conscious around him. He begins to get all wide-eyed whenever Jeno places a hand on his thigh, places his hand on his lower back, rests his arm on both of his shoulders, and et cetera.

His cheeks begin to have a color darker than pink whenever Jeno spares him a glance and smiles, whenever he asks him if he is okay or if he has eaten already, or if he just breathes near him. Jaemin hates how his best friend is beginning to have an effect on him, making him feel like he’s daydreaming.

But at the same time, he loves that Jeno is making him feel this way.

And because of all that, his forthcoming journal entries always have to include a tiny bit of what Jeno made him feel on each day. It’s funny that he has to look at the dictionary most of the time just to find the right terms to express what he feels in one word.

It’s also funny that sometimes, the dictionary becomes unhelpful and useless, which makes Jaemin have to write paragraphs just to justify the things Jeno is making him feel. And after every finished entry, Jaemin closes his journal and never touches it for the rest of the night.

“I have had many crushes but I don’t know, Byeolie. _This_ is different.” Jaemin scratches the back of his ear, confusion all over his facial features. “Jeno makes me feel different.”

He is not sure if his dog, Byeolie, will listen to him. Maybe he is listening, since he always barks in response and bobs his head. Jaemin sighs. “I really don’t know what to do, but you seem to listen to me though. So thanks, sweetie.”

As a reward, he lets his cute Samoyed rest his head on his lap. Jaemin makes sure to let his palm go through his clean and white fur, to get him to stop wagging his tail.

Jaemin takes a good look at Byeolie for a few seconds, and smiles softly to himself as he gets reminded of someone that can resemble his pet. “You look a lot like Jeno, Byeolie.” He remarks.

“Maybe that’s why I like you so much.” And then his dog smiles. His eyes turn into slits, and his tongue is out, and his cheeks puff up.

Jaemin nods, his smile getting wider. “Yeah, you do look like him.”

*

Feelings are no big deal. Crushes are normal. They’re a part of life, and they can make you the best version of yourself or worse, break your self-esteem and make you question a lot of things. Either way, they have this fantastic ability to put a smile on your face.

“I’ve reviewed last night. I’m still positive that I’ll be getting a low mark, though.” Jaemin murmurs as he sips on his still hot cup of coffee that his best friend’s mom made him.

It’s seven in the morning and Jeno is casually driving down the street like they’re not going to be late in thirty minutes. One of his hands is on the steering wheel, controlling it with ease, and his other hand is resting on Jaemin’s thigh as always.

Jaemin can’t help but think that there are probably many girls, boys, and gays around the world that want to be in his position right now, with the person they like. Therefore, he feels lucky.

“I’m sure you won’t. You’re smart.” Jeno smiles, and squeezes his thigh affectionately. Jaemin almost chokes on his coffee from the action but he manages to keep his cool, and just goes on with sipping his drink like a normal person who isn’t crushing on the person next to them.

“Don’t say that.” He whines to a still smiling Jeno, whose eyes are still on the road.

“I’m not going to let you bring yourself down, Jaemin.”

They finally get to the only intersection road that has a stoplight. It means they’re two minutes away from school. The light is red. Jaemin’s cup of coffee is almost empty and Jeno can finally look at him without worrying about getting into an accident.

Jeno squeezes his thigh again. This makes Jaemin finally look into his eyes, and he can see the sincerity behind the lens of his eyeglasses. It used to just warm his heart because that is his best friend after all; his heart will always react like that.

This time around though, his heart skips a beat, or maybe two.

“You’re going to conquer that pretty okay grade from last quarter, I just know it.”

Jaemin looks away, does not say anything else. The light turns green, and Jeno handles the steering wheel skillfully again. But only this time around, their fingers are intertwined, and he feels the warmth of the latter’s palm against his.

Jaemin can kind of see why the people around them think that way. They do act like a couple, sometimes, or maybe most of the time. Not that he minds it.

When they reach school and the pickup truck gets parked in its usual spot, Jaemin gets off of the vehicle first in a rush, struggling to hold his things with his arms.

And Jeno, of course, is always there to help him. “Let me help you with that.” He grabs his heavy envelope and holds it with one arm. The veins begin to pop out of his skin as he carries it, and it distracts Jaemin.

Speaking of veins, he thinks that they’re hot. Seeing it on Jeno is even hotter, but he’s going to keep that thought to himself.

The two of them enter school together, without having to stop by their lockers since they are already carrying their things for first period anyway. Jaemin catches some of their schoolmates’ eyes; he sees how some of them are trying to guess what kind of thing he has with Jeno with every raise of their eyebrow, with every time their lips move to murmur something under their breath.

Jeno does not seem to mind it at all, or maybe his glasses’ lens grades are becoming useless because he has been complaining that he has not been seeing things properly again. As for him, he notices it but it does not bother him one bit.

None of them talk until they get to the door of Jaemin’s classroom. Jeno hands him his envelope, and he can see the veins on his hands about to come out of his skin. Jaemin wishes he can shut his brain down at this very moment.

Oh, the things Jeno and his veiny arms can do to him. _Damn it hormones, not now_, Jaemin curses mentally.

“If you need me, you have your phone.” Jeno tells him calmly, fixing the position of his glasses on his nose bridge. “Just call or text me first for anything, alright?”

“I always do, don’t worry.” Jaemin looks up a little, and that’s when he notices something new: his best friend is getting taller. They used to share the same height before, but it doesn’t seem like it anymore. Perhaps it’s because he’s beginning to stand straight now. He smiles at Jeno.

He gets surprised though when his best friend tucks a strand of his already long hair behind his ear, something that he usually does that did not affect him as much before. He almost drops his goddamn envelope from the action, yet he manages to not show that he felt a part of him _die _inside in his face.

Perhaps this is what those romance novels are talking about. When someone you like does a small gesture like this, and the whole world suddenly stops with no warning. The concept of time just becomes nonexistent.

Jaemin always hates reading those kinds of parts, because it seems so unrealistic. The world won’t stop for anyone, he knows. But in this moment, he thinks that those writers do have a point.

“Your hair’s growing really quick.” Jeno tells him, with his smile that never seems to falter when they’re together. “Anyway, see you later.”

Jeno and Jaemin end up reaching for each other’s hands at the same time, and his heart must have still been in the clouds, but it seems like his best friend did not want to let go.

Jaemin is aware that he is already setting himself up for heartbreak by romanticizing every single second he spends with him, but something inside him is screaming that he knows that Jeno does not beat around the bush with anything. When he harbors feelings for someone, he will do such a horrible job in hiding it.

So for that particular moment, Jaemin entertains his delusions. Maybe, Jeno feels the same for him too.

“See you.” Jaemin eventually lets go of his hand and enters the classroom. Once he gets to settle on his seat, he covers his face with his own hands, feeling the heat of his cheeks.

“Fuck.”

*

_I was not informed that feelings can grow so quick._

Jaemin murmurs to himself and also writes it down on his journal, with furrowed eyebrows.

_Are feelings a subscription, like Netflix or Spotify? Because if yes, I would like to cancel it. I’m tired. I’m tired of looking at my best friend and feel those fucking butterflies like what the romance novelists always say. It’s been a little over a month and I am drained._

Without knowing, tears begin to fall freely from his doe-like eyes, and they end up wetting the page he is writing on.

_I’m also tired of getting whiny and jealous every time I see him giving attention to those jocks, cheerleaders, stoners, student council members. I hate that I want his attention for new reasons._

_God, I hate being a fucking Leo._

Jaemin closes his journal loudly and throws it with much force across the room, hitting his newly ironed uniform that is hanging on the door of his closet. He hugs one of his plush toys afterwards, shedding all of his tears and his snot on it, unfortunately.

“I’m so fucking dramatic,” Jaemin murmurs to himself. “It’s just a crush, I should not be crying over something like this.”

He continues crying on his bed, wallowing in self-pity, and then the door opens. He sees his mom’s warm gaze see through him, and it makes Jaemin feel even smaller. He’s mad that he is looking pathetic in front of her, all because of some crush that just happened to be more than a crush already.

His mom just smiles. “Just come down when you feel fine already.” She tells him gently, and she opens the door even more. Jaemin sees a very energetic Byeolie dash into the room so quickly, jumping on his bed with ease.

His very precious Samoyed rests his head on his lap. Jaemin cries harder at the sight of Byeolie being so cute, sticking his tongue out and his eyes narrowing into slits again. It’s like he is trying to comfort him and all.

Jaemin ditches his plush toy and lets his dog hug him instead. His face gets licked as a form of comfort, and for a moment everything felt okay. It feels like Byeolie is telling him that he is a bad bitch and that nothing can kill him, not even the feelings he harbors for Jeno.

Fifteen minutes later, Byeolie is sprawled out on his torso, and he has stopped crying. Jaemin is just staring at his ceiling, thinking of how stupid he must have looked when his mom saw him crying, but he pushes the thought away as soon as he thought of it.

“If you were human Byeolie, I’d date you.” Jaemin tells him lovingly.

Silence ensues the moment he begins thinking of how his beloved pet would look like. “Wait a sec, I’m taking that back.”

Byeolie stops smiling at him, and Jaemin apologetically explains, “You’d look like Jeno. That’s a bad idea.”

*

The night after that emotional outburst, Jaemin went to school with a puffy face. No, it’s definitely not just because of the tears he shed. It’s also not because of Byeolie attaching his tongue to his cheek.

“Why the hell did I even eat ramen?”

Jaemin continues to look at himself through his compact mirror, patting his cheeks and even pinching them, thinking that it can lessen the swelling. After doing it many times, his skin only reddens, like he got slapped in the face so hard.

“It’s not that obvious, Nana.” Jeno always interrupts his thoughts with the sweetest reassurances, but it isn’t making him feel any better. “You look more adorable with a puffy face.”

With a huff of frustration, Jaemin just goes with it and hopes that the swelling lessens for the rest of the day.

During recess, he even tried to avoid Jeno but to no avail, they were still together. It made Jaemin feel more conscious than he already was. Before, he used to not give a fuck about how he looked around him and would even just enter his home, wearing the most bizarre getups imaginable. But now, with his growing feelings, he gets more conscious of his outer appearance.

_What’s gonna change if you try to improve the way you look? You’re his best friend. He’ll always look at you the same way. _Jaemin tells himself when he closes his compact mirror for the nth time again that day.

He thinks hard about it. What is even the point of getting more self-conscious around Jeno? They’re _best friends_; they’ve known each other for most of their lives. They have seen each other through most of their ups and downs. And even if Jaemin was quite immature, and a little shit back then, Jeno still treated him well.

Even if Jaemin was about to stupid shit that could have cost his life, Jeno always looked after him. He didn’t have to ask the latter to do so, but he did, and he still does. It’s just something best friends do for each other, right?

_What was gonna change?_ Jaemin asks himself when he gets to sit on the exclusive table of the student council officers, right next to Jeno, as always.

Jaemin and Jeno get to share eye contact as soon as he sits down. The latter’s already big smile widens upon seeing him, affectionately pinching his puffy cheeks.

_What was gonna change? _The question kept repeating in his head, even as he ate his lunch in silence.

_Nothing_, Jaemin answers his own question as he writes down on his journal again during that evening plastering a sad smile.

_As self-absorbed as it sounds, I want him to view me differently. See me as someone more than a friend._

He closes his journal again, and places it on his nightstand. He lets the back of his head fall against his pillow, and he sighs.

“I want him to like me as much as I like him.”

*

It is the weekend, and that means he will have lunch with one of his close friends Yukhei today. Said close friend is back in town because he wants to run away from college, whining how tired he is of everything and everyone most of the time through text. And because Jaemin misses him and wants to be there for someone he considers family, he offers to treat him to food.

He dresses himself up casually, and brings the right amount of money that comes from his savings box under his bed. The diner is not too far from his home, so he just walks to where they’ll eat, already expecting that Yukhei will be there.

When he enters the place, Jaemin immediately spots him. However, the Yukhei puts on the moment he sees him is pure horror.

His taller friend does not let any word come out of his mouth, for his face says it all. Jaemin frowns when he finally walks over to him. “What is it again, Hei?”

“Who thought it was a good idea to wear a fit turtleneck under a cute crop top?” Yukhei exclaims in disbelief, blinking his eyes so quickly, making it as dramatic as possible. “Na Jaemin, show your _stomach_.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes and takes a seat on the chair across from Yukhei. “Why should I even show my tummy?”

Yukhei stops moving, just so he can look at Jaemin like he said the dumbest thing in the world. The latter shrugs his shoulders, and asks why he’s reacting like that through contorting his face.

The waiter still has not approached them yet to take their order, and Yukhei still looks at Jaemin like he’s the dumbest person he has ever met.

“Jaem, you’re one of the most attractive people I have seen. _Ever_.” Yukhei holds both of his hands, and Jaemin still gets so shocked at how huge his hands are. The first thing that enters the latter’s mind is _yaoi hands_. “No homo, by the way.”

“Yukhei, there’s lots of homo. You’re pan, I’m bi.” Jaemin deadpans.

Silence ensues. “Right.”

“Anyways, I’m just saying that you’re really really _pretty _and you should flaunt it!” Yukhei states, with his signature heartwarming grin and jazzy hand gestures, and Jaemin wishes that he can see himself the way he does.

But insecurities are a bitch. They really are.

Jaemin subtly tries to end the topic by saying thanks, and just in time, the waiter approaches them. Being the more sociable one, Yukhei is the one who does the talking.

While his close friend finalizes their order, Jaemin’s phone rings. A notification of a message from Jeno shows up on his lockscreen. His heart does something similar to the ring sound, and his eyes widen at the way his organ reacted.

His heartbeat intensifies when he unlocks his phone and proceeds to the app, only to see a short yet sweet message.

** _have fun w yukhei today, and eat well. <3_ **

Jaemin tries his hardest not to throw the gadget out of the window. He also tries not to shriek in a public diner, but a soft squeak comes out of his mouth. Thankfully, Yukhei does not hear it.

Jeno always sends him messages like this that it’s normal to him now. But ever since he started crushing on him, Jaemin began to appreciate it even more. It’s like very single action coming from him becomes something big, something so relevant. The former did not even break a world record, but for him, it feels like he did.

Jaemin sports the most foolish smile, staring at the screen of his phone, too overwhelmed with adoration to even think of replying back. His cheeks are beginning to hurt so much, but fuck that.

Jeno can do anything, and he’d smile like that for hours. Stupid and absolutely cheesy, but true.

After approximately five minutes of just smiling at his phone, Jaemin finally texts back, shaky thumbs tapping on the keyboard. He sends it as soon as he is done.

** _u too. have fun chillin there uwu_ **

His phone rings again as soon as the message’s sent. When Jaemin checks his response, pink is already dusting his cheeks.

** _i saw ur ig story earlier. u look rly pretty. pretty pretty pretty. the cutest._ **

As they wait for the order to come, Yukhei notices the way Jaemin’s brown orbs are twinkling while staring at his phone. He does not tease the latter about it, not wanting to ruin whatever kind of moment he is having.

On the other hand, Jaemin feels his heart skyrocketing. He still can’t believe it, so he sends his favorite soft meme and one word.

** _S T A H P_ **

After that, the food comes. French fries, a plate full of chicken wings, and two milkshakes; one is chocolate, and the other is mango. Fuck lactose intolerance, Jaemin is going to finish his tasty choco milkshake, and regret it later.

Strangely, he relates that to his view of love. Fuck heartbreak, he’s going to fall and make himself look like a fool putting meaning on everything Jeno does, and regret it later on.

Falling in love is a rarity nowadays, so why not enjoy the ride?

*

_While walking home after lunch with Hei, I daydreamed about Jeno taking me out to McDonald’s in the middle of the night, when everyone is already asleep. He brought Byeolie, Bongshik, Seol, and Nal along. We all stayed at the cargo area of his pickup truck._

_We didn’t eat inside. We ate at the parking lot, and we had hoods covering our heads because we both looked shitty and deprived of sleep, but Jeno still looked handsome to me. That’s my love for him talking. We also fed our kids nuggets too. That’s my delusional ass talking._

_All we ever did was talk about random things, and laugh, and eat. I imagined Jeno looking like he was happy to have me around. And then we ended up sleeping there, until the sun rose. We thankfully brought our pillows and blankets in case we couldn’t go back home, so we slept comfortably._

_I daydreamed resting my head on his chest._

_It was too good to be true, so of course, it’s never gonna happen. But deep down, I wish it comes true._

*

Jaemin ends up passing out as soon as he got home and wrote an entry on his journal, which explains why he wakes up earlier than usual.

His blurry eyes manage to see that in his alarm clock, it’s still 3:25 in the morning, the ungodly hour. In the back of his head, he thinks of all of the horror movies centered on exorcisms. It does not scare him, but it’s a random thought.

He was about to rest the side of his face on his pillow again, and fall asleep without changing into more comfortable clothes.

But he hears his window open.

There are a few grunts here and there, and Jaemin gets more alert since his mind immediately tells him that there is an intruder. He covers his whole body and fakes being asleep―as if that will help anyway.

Jaemin stays incredibly still, controls his breathing. He can feel his floor shift a little beneath his bed, and he wishes he can doze off quick. He surely doesn’t want to get murdered.

“Jaemin, are you awake?”

_That _voice. It seems like he heard that deep voice from somewhere. Jaemin still does not move an inch though.

“Jaem. Nana.”

A hand rests on top of the blanket, and he feels it on his arm. As a response, Jaemin sits up and clenches his fist, ready to fight. The intruder falls to the floor and groans loud.

Jaemin moves nearer to the edge of his bed, just so he can take a good look at them. His blurry eyes can only see a green hoodie, and black track pants, and rubber shoes. He can’t really make out the face just yet.

“Jaemin, I thought you were sleeping.”

“Who the _fuck _are you?”

“It’s me, Jeno.”

Jaemin rubs his eyes, hoping he can finally see properly when he does it, but his vision worsens. _You tried_, the meme with those words on the center of a golden star enters his head.

“Jen?” Jaemin is genuinely confused, and surprised that he does not even recognize his best friend’s voice. He gets off of his bed and almost, _almost _steps on his stomach. “Why are you here? It’s three in the morning.”

Jaemin offers his hand for Jeno to take. Despite being still half-asleep, he can still feel his heart skip a couple of strong beats just by feeling the latter’s hand coming in contact with his own. He hides it well by a straight face.

Adding to his deteriorating eyesight, the darkness keeps Jaemin from seeing his face. He can feel Jeno holding his arms though, keeping him steady.

“Come to McDonald’s with me.”

He remembers his most recent journal entry. It is what makes him fully awake, his eyes widening at his best friend’s words. _Did I wish it into existence?_

“Right now?” Jaemin asks, still shocked. He may not see him properly, but he makes sure to look up a little.

Jeno nods, with that stupidly charming smile. Jaemin knows that’s what he looks like right now, he feels it in his gut. “Yeah, if you want. Or you can sleep here and I’ll have all of the fries.”

“I will _not _let that happen. Not on my watch, Lee.”

Now Jaemin finds himself at the cargo area of his best friend’s pick up truck, wearing his pastel pink sweater, shoving a lot of fries into his mouth. Jeno takes a bite of his Big Mac. They both look like college students who have gone through too many breakdowns that they don’t care if they look like shit.

Not many people are awake. It’s just them. These hours are for them to spend. So for each second that passes, Jaemin is reminded of why he and Jeno came to be as close as they are now.

_First, _it’s that comfortable silence. Whenever they are together, there is really no requirement for them to talk, or start a conversation. Jaemin always feels the pressure to talk when he is with other people, but whenever he is with Jeno it doesn’t feel like he has to say anything. With the latter he just lets the words flow when it does, and he’s more than okay with that.

_Second, _they are so different and yet so similar, and they just click. Jaemin has difficulty explaining what this means―he forgot the term, but whenever he is with Jeno, it feels like an empty part of his soul is being filled. He is livelier, happier, more open, more vulnerable and more around him than anyone else.

“How was it, hanging out with Yukhei?”

Jaemin’s train of thoughts come to a halt so quick, the moment Jeno asks him. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights with how wide his eyes are.

“Uh.” The shock wears off quickly, as he tucks a long strand of hair behind his ear. “It was fine.”

Jeno nods in acknowledgement. “That’s good.”

They continue eating after that, until there are only crumbs of the food they ate left, and they’re smiling from how satisfied their stomachs are.

In the midst of the comfortable silence, Jeno reaches out for Jaemin’s greasy hand, and their fingers intertwine.

“You know, I was thinking about college. Since we entered our dream schools and how we have to part ways because of that.” Jeno starts solemnly, the side of his head resting on Jaemin’s broad shoulder. “And I got really sad.”

Jaemin frowns. “I knew we were going to have that conversation soon, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon.”

Jeno’s gloomy expression reminds Jaemin of the time when the entire world believed that the world would end during 2012, and he was crying because he was sad about having to die without experiencing being a teenager.

Looking back, it’s a funny memory, because Jeno used to be the biggest crybaby. Now, they realized that the teenage years are _chaotic, _all over the place. As the years pass, the tables have turned and now, Jaemin is the bigger crybaby between the two of them.

“You can rant about it though.” Jaemin encourages him, squeezing his greasy hand.

Jeno lets out a shaky sigh, as if he’s holding himself back from crying, and it makes Jaemin’s heart ache terribly. “We’ll see each other less. We’ll talk less. We’ll find people who have charts that complement ours.”

“That sounds exciting, though. Meeting new people.” Jaemin tries to lighten the atmosphere, but he feels dread coursing through his veins, knowing that Jeno is right.

“It is, but the scariest part of it all is that …” Jeno trails off, holding himself back. Jaemin stays silent, waiting for him to continue.

The silence stretches long enough, and he hears Jeno stumble over his words. “I—I might not have a home to go back to one day.”

Jaemin does not understand what he is trying to say. “Your parents will always welcome you home, what are you talking about?”

“Not that, dumbass.” Jeno retorts weakly. He sighs again, and clings onto Jaemin even more. “_You _are what I am talking about.”

Jaemin’s less than five brain cells do their best to decipher what Jeno is pointing out. And minutes later, he finally understands what the latter is talking about. It feels like his heart is being stabbed at the thought of the latter becoming a stranger.

All he can reply is: “Me too.”

The atmosphere gets heavier. Jaemin gets his head out of the hole about the romantic feelings he carries for Jeno. Just like him, his worries about the future resurface.

Will life work its magic and make them grow apart? Something inside him tells him that maybe it will. Maybe he’ll never let Jeno know about how much he means to him. Maybe they’ll fight, somewhere in between. Maybe Jaemin will be forced to keep his distance because of his feelings.

But he shakes the thoughts off. That’s for their future selves to worry about, and right now, they’re okay. Jeno stops clinging onto him, and gets up on his feet, getting ready to jump off of the cargo area.

“But we still have each other now.”

Jaemin gets up too, and Jeno looks at him like he is not in the mood for positivity, for looking at the bright side.

“You’ve looked at our astrological charts once, and you said we’d never be compatible, that this connection we have isn’t gonna last long. But here we are, Jeno.” Jaemin grins wide, remembering that _yeah_, they managed to beat something. “If we have conquered the rest of the universe, then this planet’s got nothing on us.”

Jaemin plays with the ends of his sweater’s sleeves, making them cover his hands. He stays still, waiting for Jeno to say or do anything.

Jeno gives him a look that he cannot seem to describe, and pulls him by the arm gently for a hug, his arms quickly encircling his waist. Jaemin is still wondering why he looked at him that way, even as his embrace isn’t giving him any room to breathe.

The cold breeze makes Jaemin shiver in his embrace, and his nose begins to turn red. He takes advantage of their small height difference by resting his chin on Jeno’s shoulder, and everything feels right.

The McDonald’s midnight hangout did not turn out the way he daydreamed it to be. Actually, not getting the right amount of sleep is worth getting a tantrum over. There is _nothing _romantic about this, Jaemin realizes.

But he’ll romanticize it anyway, because Jeno is so sweet and so good and so _unreal, _and he is so grateful to have him. He is currently singing Lorde’s Ribs to him softly as they begin swaying around.

“_You’re the only friend I need, sharing beds like little kids_.” Jeno sings as Jaemin circles his arms around his neck. “_We’ll laugh until our ribs get tough, but it will never be enough_.”

It feels like Lorde wrote this song for them; the fact that Jeno is singing those particular lyrics to him hits him harder than expected. Jaemin pulls Jeno closer to him as they sway a little more. He closes his eyes, and basks in the latter’s warmth, cherishing this moment as if it’s their last.

Later on, Jeno drives Jaemin home. There’s something different in the air between them now, but it goes unnoticed. The latter waves his hand and stays in front of his gate as his best friend drives away, and continues to stand there.

Then something hits him, like a bullet from a shotgun managed to pierce his brain. He puts a hand over his mouth.

“Oh shit.”

*

_So I spoke the McDonald’s date into existence, but it did not turn out the way I wanted it to be. Waking up in the middle of the night is actually horrible. Going to get food in the middle of the night while looking shitty is not appealing too._

_But Lee Jeno makes these things seem less shitty, and I wanted the moment to last forever. And it was surprisingly magical._

_I love Jeno…more than I should._

*

“So I just got news from our adviser!” Their class president, Renjun, yells as he enters the classroom. Even as he walks, his posture is great. He really gets attention without trying. He even makes their class secretary Donghyuck and class treasurer Yangyang, who are walking behind him, look puny.

Jaemin looks up from his phone, because he knows better than to not listen to Renjun. He has seen the things he did in this classroom. He has seen many of his classmates fear for their lives every time they didn’t listen to him.

So he’s all ears when Renjun finally gets to rest his palms on the teacher’s table, the smirk on his face so clear. Jaemin gulps the lump down his throat, realizing what is about to go down.

The entire class gets quiet. Jaemin feels his shoulders getting heavier with each second passing.

He has studied hard for the exams. He has submitted all of the requirements needed. He has gotten into his dream university for college. He has been a good student for his entire senior year. Well, not really; he has cut some classes but it’s not a big deal.

What matters is that he did well; he wants to graduate, and finish high school with flying colors.

Renjun clears his throat. “Mr. Hyun already told me about our final grades, and he said that.”

Jaemin can already see his seatmate trying not to cry. He remembers him being the student with the most violations during the past years, but he began doing things right this year.

God, Jaemin wishes everyone can graduate.

He turns to Renjun again attentively. Every single shift of his body is giving the rest anxiety and Jaemin can tell everyone else is about to _lose it_, but he keeps it cool.

Everything will be fine, he tells himself.

Renjun lets out a chortle, and in that moment, Jaemin is convinced that the class president is the devil reincarnated. “Okay, I’ll stop, I’m sorry. Just seeing all of you die inside is so funny.”

Rather than laughing with him, they all glare at him like he’s the biggest sadist they have ever met. The devil reincarnated, indeed.

“Anyways, congratulations to all of us.”

It doesn’t sink in at first. Some frown, some are about to ask Renjun to repeat what he said, and some people malfunction in their respective ways. Jaemin has his signature deer in the headlights look again.

“We’re all graduating, shitheads.” Renjun confirms with a smile politicians have, and then his eyes end up on Jaemin. “By the way, Na Jaemin here is going to graduate with honors, let’s clap for him.”

His already wide doe-like eyes get bigger when he hears those two words. _With honors_. He sees his classmates clap for him, cheer loudly, congratulate him. _With honors_. He’s trying his best to let it sink in.

After three years of striving to get in the honor roll, he finally graduates _with honors_. After three years of congratulating Jeno for maintaining his rank, he finally gets to be congratulated too.

Jaemin thanks all of them, with a heart that is about to burst from pure joy.

“Okay, _free time_!” Renjun screams and in a nanosecond, everyone gets out of the classroom, rushing to their friends in the already crowded hallway.

Jaemin struggles to stand straight, his legs are shaking. He still can’t believe it. He walks out of the classroom slowly, making sure not to trip on his own foot or the air. He searches for his best friend when he is finally in the hallway, his lips beginning to quiver. He still fails to keep his balance; he has to stick his palm to the wall just so he can steady himself.

After a bit of searching, Jaemin sees Jeno, squeezing himself in between other students. It seemed like he was looking for him too. Once the latter finally sees him, he walks to him so quick.

The concept of time does not change for Jaemin though. Everyone is still screaming and squealing, jumping around, and celebrating. But his entire attention ends up on Jeno, nonetheless.

“Nana, I’m graduating as salutatorian!” Jeno shrieks and Jaemin even gets surprised too. “How about you, have any good news to tell me?”

When Jaemin tries to tell him the good news, he cannot form the words. He tries to form a sentence, but before he can even say something, water begins to brim in the corners of his eyes.

Rather than trying to let out a word, the joyful tears spill and Jaemin tries to wipe them away with the back of his hand. He feels Jeno’s fingers wiping them away, asking him, “What’s wrong?”

Jaemin laughs, because he looks stupid crying over something that won’t matter in the long run. But for now, it’s such a big thing for him. It’s making all of the burdens on both of his shoulders go away, and he is just _so_ happy.

He knows Jeno is getting worried, so before he begins to make crying noises, he tells him. “I’m graduating with honors, Jen. I’ve made it.”

Slowly, he watches Jeno’s face brighten more than ever. He plasters the biggest smile ever, and his already strong feelings intensify.

God, seeing Jeno smile like that—with his already twinkling eyes turning into crescents, makes him happier. _Ma, I’m in love_, Jaemin shouts internally.

“I’m so happy for you.” They both reach out for a hug, and Jaemin proceeds to cry and laugh on his best friend’s shoulder. “You’ve worked hard, Jaem.”

And Jeno does not give him any time to cry in peace, because Jaemin is already being lifted from the ground, screaming like the rest of the students. He’s still overjoyed nonetheless.

“Na Jaemin and Lee Jeno are graduating!” Jeno screams out loud, sounding angry even if he isn’t. Jaemin is not going to say this out loud, but he can hear his best friend _growl _the words, and he wishes hormones did not exist.

“We did it!” Jaemin’s voice cracks as he shouts after him, and they laugh gleefully.

*

Jaemin sends a message about the good news to his parents in their family group chat. He smiles when they respond with cute emojis and the word ‘congratulations’ in all capital letters as soon as the message is sent.

He places his phone on his lap, and takes time to appreciate the sun setting. Witnessing this is much better with Jeno driving next to him.

To celebrate, Jeno thought that driving around their small town would be a nice idea, since they’re too broke to buy some luxurious food in their hometown’s most famous restaurant. But Jaemin hears him promise that he will spoil him with some good high class prawns after graduation.

And honestly, Jaemin is all in for anything, as long as Jeno is by his side.

The radio plays Seventeen’s Our Dawn Is Hotter Than Day, and the two of them begin to sing along as they pass by convenience stores, houses, and many more places they had memories in.

“_I will have you by my side, so I can care for you, and love you_.”

Jaemin is too immersed in shouting the lyrics of the bridge to notice that someone glances at him with so much love and adoration.

After that song, more of their favorite songs play as they drive around town. They sing along of course, and in between, Jeno has his hand on Jaemin’s thigh again.

The cozy and euphoric atmosphere does not change, but Jaemin feels his stomach getting wild when Jeno taps on his thigh to the beat of the song playing on the radio. He stays incredibly still on his seat and the latter does not seem to mind, controlling the steering wheel with one hand so easily.

The sky darkens even more and they see their close friends, acquaintances, and schoolmates out on the streets. Some of those people wave at the two, and of course they do the same. It warms Jaemin’s heart to see that almost everyone they know can finally move forward in life with them.

Jaemin feels Jeno’s entire hand holding on to his thigh now. It sends chills down his spine since the action feels much more intimate than it already is. He still does not do anything though, and feels the warmth of his palm get past the material of his pants.

His grip tightens. Jaemin feels something is wrong. “Hey Jen, you okay?”

He tries to look for a change in Jeno’s body language, but he does not see anything worth noting. He seems to still look happy, but Jaemin feels a shift in his aura.

“I’m just beginning to miss everything.” Jeno answers sincerely. “I know you’re still here, but I’m beginning to miss you.”

Jaemin knows Jeno is a secretly sentimental person, and he does not really talk so much about his feelings, so hearing him opening up nowadays relieves him. He places his hand over the latter’s, encouraging him to go on.

“I have just been thinking about our conversation when we ate at McDonald’s lately, and I…” Jeno trails off again, and sighs. Jaemin gulps down the lump that is already forming in his throat.

The truck continues to move, still passing by places they have gone to, places where they had fun in.

“I what?” Jaemin asks quietly.

Jeno shrugs his shoulders. “I’ve just been telling myself that before I proceed to college, I don’t wanna regret anything.”

None of the two speak, however their minds and the engine of the vehicle are as loud as the screams of fellow seniors earlier. Jaemin begins to think of things he will eventually regret, if he did not do it.

One of the thoughts that enter his mind is about Jeno. His best friend and the amount of love he has for him. The amount of love that he needs to let him know about.

_Jeno needs to know eventually_, Jaemin realizes. The car stops in front of the most famous restaurant in town, and he sees Jeno look into his eyes. _That I’m in love with him._

Jaemin bites his lower lip, thinking if the timing is right, if he is even ready to open his heart. He feels Jeno’s hand holding his, and he is beginning to think if confessing is worth it.

Does he have to prepare for it? Surprise him with flowers and many balloons? Does he have to look presentable, wear a suit and have his hair pushed back? Does he have to do it in school? Does he do it by the doorstep of Jeno’s home?

So many questions. He can already hear his subconscious screaming at him to do something. However, his insecurities are louder, telling him to get over it because Jeno never liked him that way and never will. _Best friends_ is all that they will ever be, and nothing more. His best friend will find someone better, someone he can call his other half.

And that is not Jaemin.

If he tells him what he feels, it will be their fallout.

He gives in to his insecurities, sucks it up and tells him what he is sure of, what he can provide for Jeno. “Whatever is going on your head right now, know that I got your back, okay? I’m always here for you.”

Jaemin’s insecurities mock him even more, convincing him that he will never be enough for Jeno, even as a friend. They convince him that he is a coward for letting go of the opportunity to confess, and he thinks they’re right.

The smile on Jaemin’s face turns bitter and blue, but he changes the topic quick. “Uh, I wanna go home already.”

“Sure.”

Jaemin no longer feels the warmth coming from Jeno, and he knows that he is exaggerating, but he is already beginning to feel empty.

It gets dead quiet after that. Jeno already has both of his hands on the steering wheel, and Jaemin focuses on the view right in front of them instead.

When the truck stops in front of Jaemin’s home, he gets out quick, does not give Jeno a chance to say goodnight. When he is finally inside, he goes to his bedroom first, grabs his journal and begins writing.

_I love my best friend, and I honestly thought that was enough. I wanted him to love me back in the same way I do, because that’s what everyone wants. We all want to love, and to be loved, right?_

_But I’m his best friend. It means that there are many people out there who can be his lover once we part ways. I would be the last person to enter his mind when it comes to that._

_And perhaps, I am a coward since I didn’t take the opportunity to tell him what I felt when it was already right in front of me. But I guess it is better off that way. It is not like I’ll be the one he will want to come home to until we’re old._

_My chance of being with him has always been slim, anyway._

Jaemin does not have the energy to cry, but when he closes his journal and places it back on the nightstand, he rests the side of his face on his pillow and lets the tears fall as his eyes close.

He goes to sleep with his hopes crushed and his heart broken.

*

The following morning, Jaemin wakes up to Jeno not sending him anything. Not even a message, or a missed call. He kind of saw it coming, since he seemed like he had too many thoughts as well.

Jaemin spends the entire Saturday doing self-care. He takes a shower, eats a lot, and sleeps a lot.

When his phone rings and he sees his lockscreen wallpaper later in the day—a picture of the two of them under a cherry blossom tree, he cries _hard_. He cries so hard that there are drops of his tears and his snot on the phone screen.

Embarrassing, but he’s too sad to even give a fuck about how he is crying over his one-sided love issues. His life is no romance movie, where all of the people just cry and throw tantrums so prettily.

_I’m being dramatic again_. Whoever would be seeing him in his current state would laugh and tell him to just go leave a text, but it’s not easy for Jaemin.

Despite it being difficult to do, he still sends him messages in a way he usually would, with soft memes and heart emojis. But after sending around three to five texts, he does not touch his phone anymore.

He waits for him to respond, his blanket wrapping him like a burrito, but he only receives notifications from everything else but him. Jaemin tells himself that nothing is wrong and that Jeno is probably just sleeping for twenty four hours straight, despite being disheartened already.

Until it’s Sunday evening and Jeno does not really respond. He did not even read his messages at all. Jaemin feels his heart sink to his stomach, knowing that he is doomed.

*

** _it’s time for prom!_ **

Jaemin catches the message sent by Renjun in their class group chat. He raises an eyebrow, thinking of what is the big deal behind prom. He’s only coming for the food, and to also dance.

But the message sent by Yangyang after widens his eyes.

** _celebratory senior party in my house this friday!!! food and drinks are on me!_ **

His other classmates are already talking about it, talking about how they’re going to get themselves drunk during the party, what they will be wearing, who they’re going to make out with, who they will be bringing, and et cetera.

And there is Jaemin: uninterested. All he can ever think of is that Jeno drove him to school today, as always, but he can tell that he is keeping his distance. His hand did not end up on his thigh. There are no sudden displays of affection. No talking at all. _Nothing_.

Jaemin can’t help but wonder what is going on inside Jeno’s head.

“Jaemin!”

He looks up from his desk, turning to from which direction he heard the voice from. It turned out to be from his seatmate, who is smiling kindly at him.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Are you going to the party this Friday?” He asks, showing more of his teeth as his smile stretches. Jaemin thinks he looks like the Cheshire cat. No wonder why it seemed like he couldn’t be trusted before.

Jaemin shrugs his shoulders, tucking a few strands of his hair behind his ear again. “Maybe yes, maybe not.”

The smile of his seatmate falls, but he still nods, understanding. Jaemin thought that the conversation was gonna stop there, but he suddenly asks, “Is Jeno not going with you?”

Jaemin is quick to deny it, shaking his head and even waving his hand. “It’s not about Jeno.” The blush on his cheeks and the pang in his heart says otherwise though. His seatmate chuckles silently.

“It’s been three years since we have been in this school, and I’m still surprised that you don’t have feelings for Jeno.” His seatmate utters jokingly. To be honest, he’d be surprised if he did not have feelings for Jeno at all.

“You guys still look really cute, though.” His seatmate beams, and finally gets up from his chair. Jaemin’s eyes follow where he’s going, only to see him approach a girl waiting by the door, looking up at him so brightly.

He bites his lower lip and tries not to be dramatic again, going back to his phone and scrolling down Twitter because he really has nothing else to do anymore. The fact that Jeno did not even reply to his texts still hurts him. The sight of his seatmate being in love and happy makes him jealous, but he’s not going to say it out loud.

_I should just suck it up_. Jaemin tells himself as he visits Jeno’s profile again, trying to check if he tweeted anything new.

His last tweet was a few months ago, which was about exams before winter break. Jaemin presses on the tweets and replies to see if he had a conversation with anyone recently.

The most recent one was three months ago, when Jaemin posted a selfie of him wearing a face mask with no caption. _Cutest_, it said. He can’t help but wish it meant something more than a friendly compliment.

But it’s not always like that.

Lunch break comes sooner than he thought. Jaemin gets to his locker and starts getting some of his books to bring home, according to the principal’s orders. So along with some of his books, he starts removing the things he attached at the back of the locker door.

He removes the small memos first, and then the stickers he pasted for the sake of seeing something the moment he opens it. And then, he gingerly removes the Polaroids he attached there.

Most of them have Jeno in it, so he gets extra careful.

Jaemin was ready to place all of the things he got in the eco bag he brought, but he hears shrill voices screeching nearby. He wonders when everybody will stop screaming in school, it gives him unnecessary anxiety.

He continues to place the things he got in the eco bag and slams the locker door shut, then goes to where the screams are coming from. He is unnerved by the way everybody is looking at him, like they’re telling him not to get closer, like what he is going to see will be his biggest regret.

And he really should have just stayed away.

A cheerleader is standing right in front of his best friend, in the middle of the hallway. Her height reaches his shoulders, she looks cute in her ponytail and her cheerleading uniform. Jeno looks the same from this morning, of course, with his prescription glasses and orderly hair, and his usual shirt-jeans-sneakers getup.

The sight is so cute.

So cute that it just makes Jaemin want to cry.

“Will you go to prom with me?”

The question rings loud and clear, and Jaemin wished he didn’t catch it. He holds on to his eco bag and the strap of his backpack tighter, trying to not show a hint of hurt in his face.

Jeno looks unsure, but maybe he wanted to say yes. He was stuttering, his eyes trying to find something or someone within the hallways.

And when their eyes meet, Jeno looks shocked to see him there. It is like he did not want Jaemin to see this at all.

As for Jaemin, he smiles, hoping that it looks like he is encouraging him to just make her his prom date and not look betrayed and petty even if he should not feel that way.

But Jaemin is a Leo. Leos always wear their hearts on their sleeves. Anyone can tell what they are feeling just by looking at them. It’s one of their strengths, and also one of their weaknesses, Jeno told him once.

Jaemin fails to hold his smile for too long because a second later, his mouth is already trembling and his eyes are beginning to get glassy. Tears eventually slide down his cheeks. He sucks in a breath, hoping that he does not break even more.

It’s too late, though. When Jeno calls for him Jaemin turns around and walks away, going to the nearest door that can get him out of there. He catches everyone’s attention, because the farther he gets, his sobs get louder.

_I’m so fucking tired of having feelings_. Jaemin walks out of school, and then decides on walking home, even if it’s far. He can’t even care anymore, because he’s just so sad and so heartbroken from what he saw.

A few years from now, it won’t be a big deal at all. He will look back and laugh at himself for being such a drama queen, but for now, it feels like his whole world is falling apart. It feels like the world is being unfair to him, screwing him over for who knows what.

He feels like an idiot for choosing to let his feelings grow for this long. Why did he even push it anyway? Why did he think that he even had a chance with Jeno? Did he think that he’d be loved back in the same way?

Jaemin continues to cry as he finally walks down the streets of his neighborhood, drenched with sweat and still heartbroken. His shoulder is beginning to ache because of the books he is carrying, but it is not the first thing in his mind.

When he gets his spare key and opens the door to his home, he is greeted by his dad, who is watching some old cooking show on the television.

“Oh Jaem, you’re finally—,”

His dad stops when Jaemin just lets his eco bag drop to the ground with a loud thud. His son looks wrecked, his eyes droopy and his nose getting red.

“Son, what’s wrong?”

Jaemin wipes away the tears that keep coming with the back of his hand, still trying his best to look okay even when everything in him is aching He tries to answer him, but all he can do is sob.

He’s crying too much to the point that his dad has to go to him and give him a hug. When Jaemin finally feels his parent’s warmth, he cries harder.

“I-I love him, d-dad.” Jaemin hiccups, hugging his dad back.

“It’s okay.”

“I w-wish I-I wasn’t a c-coward. I wish—I wish I j-just c-confessed.” He whimpers sadly.

A few hours have passed since Jaemin opened up about Jeno to his dad. It’s already evening, he has ordered pizza, and his mom is comforting him like he is still a six year old. He is feeling a little bit better than before, but he is still sad.

He knows Jeno so damn well that he can tell he’ll be knocking on the door of his home, just to make sure he is okay. He does it every time he does not show up in school, or walks out crying like earlier.

Jaemin hates that he’s right, because he can already hear three knocks and his voice asking for whoever is present. His dad goes up to the door for him, and he can hear their voices loud and clear.

“Good evening, Mr. Na. About Jaemin—,”

“He’s alright Jeno, don’t worry.”

“Uh, may I come inside and see him?”

Jaemin immediately shakes his head to his dad, even waving his hand to say no. The latter nods and turns back to Jeno.

“Sorry kid, but not tonight.”

There is a pause, and Jaemin feels his lips begin to quiver again. “Oh.” Jeno replies, sounding confused but mostly sad.

Jaemin grabs another slice of pizza and takes a bite, sniffling. He hears the door close and takes another bite, his eyes focusing on the sad romance movie they’re watching.

It’s funny, how Jaemin finds himself in the position of the movie’s protagonist right now, surrounded by her blankets and crying like a baby over some guy.

_Sucks to be in love._

After watching that movie, Jaemin blasts music coming from one of his many playlists through his speaker. The song that is currently playing is ILLENIUM’s Good Things Fall Apart, exactly at the chorus.

He is lying down in bed, looking at the ceiling, and thinking of how Jeno is doing. Maybe he is just fine right now, at home. Maybe he said yes to the cheerleader.

_That’s good_, Jaemin thinks. _At least Jeno is happy_.

Jaemin continues lying down there, until the chorus comes in again.

_Tel me what you hate about me._

He reaches out for his phone by the nightstand to stop the music, supposedly. But the first notifications that he sees are a series of text messages from Jeno.

The first message has a simple “sorry” in it. He presses his lips on a thin line, contemplating if he should even check the rest of what he sent earlier or make his heart rest.

_Whatever it is, I’m sorry._

Jaemin feels his hand vibrate again thanks to his phone, and he is not surprised to see that it’s Jeno who messaged him again.

_I know I can be dramatic._

** _i’m so sorry, if i said something wrong last friday night. i’m sorry for not replying to your texts. i’m sorry if me giving you the silent treatment this morning made you think you did something wrong. you didn’t do anything, nana. there has just been a lot on my mind lately, things that i can’t be open about yet._ **

** **

_But everybody’s saying we had it._

Before he can even react, another text message pops up.

** _i just want you to know that you mean so much to me, and the last thing i want to do is to make you cry. that’s all. goodnight, don’t cry yourself to sleep because of me._ **

“How do you expect me to do that? You shithead.” Jaemin croaks out to the air, his already puffy eyes letting tears out again. He sighs and turns his phone off, placing it on the nightstand.

_I’m coming to terms with a broken heart; I guess that sometimes good things fall apart._

He gets his journal instead, and one of his many pens. He only writes down a few words and closes it again.

_Jeno texted me asking me if I was alright, saying sorry. He said that I meant so much to him, and to not cry to sleep because of him. Easier said than done._

*

Jaemin knows that he has to stop moping around. Prom is just around the corner, and like everyone else, he’ll be going to Yangyang’s party this Friday. He has to still look presentable, even if he wants to show up in both events looking homeless.

Thankfully, the administration announced that they don’t have to go to school for Thursday, as the teachers have a seminar to attend. So Jaemin uses this day to go out, look for some new clothes to wear to the party the next day, and something to eat to ease his sadness.

He enters the mall with a face mask on to hide how swollen his face has gotten from crying over Jeno. To make himself more hideous, he wears one of his oversized shirts, his go-to jogging pants, and slippers.

Jaemin knows he caught the attention of some people because of how horrendous he looks, but he ignores them all for the sake of his main agenda. Jaemin gets in the department store first, knowing that good clothes are cheaper there.

Well, the good clothes are pretty expensive, but the prices mean nothing to his dad’s credit card, which was willingly lent to him earlier before he left. Jaemin knows that he can spend as much as he wants, but he chooses to be practical and only search for good ones with reasonable prices.

And looking for the garments he wants for the party is not so hard. It is a relief that the pink turtleneck he has set his eyes on before is still there, on sale. It is even better because said turtleneck is a crop top too. He grabs it and places it on his shopping cart without batting an eyelash.

Afterwards, he looks at the pants section, searching for anything that suits his taste. The skinny jeans he has looked through are the ones he has back home, so he checks out some of the shorts available.

Jaemin’s still swelling eyes brighten at the sight of high-waisted white shorts. He dashes to it before anyone else in the store, and gets the garment in his size. He places it on the cart and walks away.

He also roams around the shoes section, trying to find something new, but after much thought he thinks of not buying anything. He has his fishnet stockings and his combat boots back home to match with his planned getup anyway. He just has to try what he got in the fitting rooms and see if it looks good.

The young man gets to the nearest fitting area, and enters an empty cubicle. Jaemin takes his shirt and jogging pants off, letting them fall to the floor.

Before he tries the clothes on, he takes a look at his own reflection in the mirror. He notices the stretch marks he has on the sides of his waist, the tan lines on his arms and legs, and the scars he had from his childhood wounds darken his knees.

Ignoring all of them is a hard task, because it does make him look unattractive. It’s an eyesore.

“You look like shit, but let’s be more positive, Jaem.” He tells himself, with a very eager nod at his own reflection. He lowers his face mask down to his chin, revealing his very chapped lips and dry skin. “Jeno would say that I might not look too good right now, but I will look great.”

With the motivation he gives himself from those words, he tries on the shorts and the turtleneck crop top he found earlier. Thankfully, they fit just right, unlike some of the other clothes he has.

He smiles a little, feeling better seeing how cute he looks wearing them. The stretch marks are still seen, but he tells himself that that’s alright.

The skimpiness of his shorts distracts him; the length of it only reaches the upper part of his thighs. But he likes it that way. The shape of his hips—the best part of his body, his mom said once, is done justice with the garment. Wearing it makes him feel pretty.

_Pretty_. He can hear Jeno saying it at the back of his head, but he wills it away.

To distract himself, he brings his phone out and takes a couple of mirror selfies, feeling satisfied with the way he looks. He does not delete any of the shots he took, convinces himself that he looks good in all of them.

He takes his time in taking them off afterwards, lets them fall to the floor like earlier, and puts on his oversized shirt, jogging pants, and face mask on.

Now that he is all covered up, he is back to feeling ugly, but it’s okay. He is sure everyone in the world has these kinds of days when they feel like they look ugly and not at their best mood.

_It’s valid to feel like you look like crap once in a while_, he tells himself with a hint of optimism.

Once he buys everything and gets out of the department store, he goes to the mall’s cafeteria, buying ice cream he can eat while walking home.

While he waits in line, his mind travels off to the time he and Jeno did rock, paper, and scissors to settle on who’d treat the other ice cream. It happened around freshman year.Jaemin remembers winning and having to watch his very displeased best friend wait in line, with the biggest grin on his face.

It’s funny that the simplest memories he has of Jeno become so big, so relevant, and so heartwrenching. He takes a step forward when the customer who just ordered gets out of the line.

Coincidentally, the cafeteria’s speakers are playing Carly Rae Jepsen’s Your Type, but it is not heard as much for the sounds of plates, utensils, and humans chattering are louder.

_And I want you to miss me, when I’m not around you. I know that you’re in town, won’t you come around to the spot that we met?_

Jaemin chuckles gloomily at the lyric, feeling like he is being called out.

He gets his three scoops of ice cream a little later, getting Jeno’s favorite flavor: cookies and cream. Jaemin knows that getting said flavor will just trigger his lactose intolerance and probably make him vomit it out when he gets home, but that’s something to deal with later.

And he was correct because as soon as he opened the door to his home, he rushed to the bathroom and started vomiting on the toilet. He did it without making a big mess, thankfully.

The aftermath of it makes Jaemin feel even shittier than he already is. It’s like he vomited all his guts out, like he’s breathing without his intestines inside him. He leans against the wall of the bathroom, groaning and breathing heavily.

As he is catching his breath and trying not to vomit again, he remembers the time he discovered he was lactose intolerant.

He was not close with Jeno then, and they were having a fun time in some old classmate’s house. Little Jaemin had too much of cookies and milk then, and that was how he ended up vomiting what he ate on the toilet.

And how did Jeno get involved? Well, he entered the bathroom while it happened. It’s very odd for a friendship to start there, but Jaemin knew that everyone would make fun of him for puking out cookies and milk back then.

Jeno actually helped him clean up and kept on checking on him even as they were out of the bathroom. Anyone can say that the rest is history.

Funny how even in gross moments like this, Jeno still crosses his mind. At this point, Jaemin is convinced that maybe he has been in love with him for so long, way before he acknowledged it.

*

_I went out today to buy something to wear for the party tomorrow even if I was not in the best mood. I saw my stretch marks, my scars, and some uneven skin tones, but it’s okay. A few years from now, I’ll have enough confidence to tell myself I’m pretty and believe it._

_Anyways, I thought of Jeno a lot today. I read my past journal entries and saw that for some reason, I always included him in every single one. He has made me happy, made me sad, made me angry but most of all, made me be the best version of myself._

_And I am thinking of letting him know that, even if it’s too late. I’m giving him this journal, and I hope he reads it. If this breaks our friendship, then it’s okay. If we still become friends after this, then it’s okay too._

_I just don’t want to regret anything before I leave for college._

*

In the middle of the night, Jaemin finds himself standing in front of Jeno’s house. The front door is locked, and he doesn’t want to disturb anyone, so he climbs on the big tree that reaches the window to his best friend’s bedroom.

Jaemin manages to sneak in without making a noise. He tiptoes his way to the bed, where Jeno is snoring like a pig. It’s nothing new; he has been used to it since seven years ago.

He gingerly places his journal that already has a sticky note attached saying _Jaemin tells you to read this_ on the nightstand, right next to his cellphone. He softly kisses his cheeks before sneaking out again, hoping that Jeno reads all of the entries.

*

Jaemin’s honor student status in the high school caste is put to good use in times like prom preparations.

Being one of the trustworthy students of their batch, he is encouraged to help in planning the entire event, from what time it is going to happen to how invitations will be distributed.

To be frank, it’s the graduating student council members who should do the planning but the president caught the flu and they don’t work together well so Jaemin attends the first meeting in their office.

He has his arms crossed, along with the officers and some schoolmates, waiting for one member to arrive. He engages in small talk with them from time to time, but he stays silent for the most part. Jaemin does not really like how they are so cold to each other.

Later, the door opens to reveal the late public information officer, who is sweating and holding onto his laptop like it’s a child. “Sorry I’m late!”

“At least you’re sorry,” The vice president chirps with a smile and his eye twitching. Jaemin feels more tense now thanks to him.

God, he wants to end this quickly. These kinds of things were bearable with Jeno around.

Jaemin watches the vice president rise from his chair. The student council members straighten up stiffly. “So, do you have any suggestions for what we’re gonna do for prom?”

He gets answered with silence. Jaemin looks away and tucks a few strands of his long hair behind his ear. He mentally notes to style his hair with clips for the party later.

“Um, I was thinking that our theme would be inspired by the Met Gala.” The secretary raises his hand meekly. In return, all he gets is glares. Jaemin grimaces at how they’re treating him. “You know, go c-campy?”

“Isn’t that too much though?” The treasurer rudely interrupts, raising her eyebrow. She seems ready to disapprove of his idea.

Jaemin frowns hard, glaring at the treasurer. “Let him finish.” He interrupts with a deeper tone, and sees how she freezes on her chair under his stare, embarrassed. His gaze changes when he turns to the secretary, now smiling. “So what kind of campy do you suggest we go for?”

The secretary’s shoulders loosen up. “The Lady Gaga and Katy Perry kind of camp. Like, if you wanna dress as a Big Mac, then why not?” He beams at Jaemin, and then to the rest.

A memory of Jeno munching on his favorite Big Mac comes across Jaemin’s mind. _Stop thinking of him, you fool._ “Not so bad if you ask me.”

The vice president presses his lips on a thin line. “Anyways, are there other suggestions?”

For someone who does not like participating in meetings like this, Jaemin is doing a good job in encouraging everyone to share their ideas and making the atmosphere less hostile.

After thirty minutes of discussing, they have come to the final theme. They settled on a ‘futuristic camp’ theme, so the dress code is pretty obvious. Regarding corsages, they decided for it to be optional. As for the design of their school’s gymnasium and the rest, Jaemin suggested that it’s up to the student council to discuss it with artistically inclined schoolmates. They agreed with him, so the meeting ended on a bright note.

“You really lightened the atmosphere, Jaemin. Thank you,” The secretary thanks him as they get out of the office together, holding his paperworks tightly.

“It’s no problem.” Jaemin’s cheeks redden at the compliment.

Supposedly, they are going to different hallways, but the secretary calls his name.

Jaemin turns around. “Yeah?”

The secretary seemed shy, but he tells him, “I expected you to run for president last year. I was really sad when you didn’t.”

Jaemin’s eyes only continue to widen. “What?” He’s taken aback, not expecting to hear that from anyone. “Why?”

“I remembered seeing Jeno pushing you to the application booth last year.” The secretary laughs recalling the memory, and Jaemin can’t fight back the fond smile on his face upon remembering it, despite how annoyed he was at that time. “He really gave you a _push_.”

Touched by the secretary’s sincerity, Jaemin stammers when he says thanks, his cheeks getting redder. He does not forget to say goodbye to the former before he walks off, also thankful that he reminded him of one of the times Jeno became the cutest boy alive.

Speaking of Jeno, he is not in school. He misses him too, obviously. Jaemin is wondering if he is preparing for the party, or spending the entire morning and afternoon sleeping. Maybe he has already read his journal and is overwhelmed by everything he wrote, either in a good or bad way.

Maybe he is overwhelmed, in a bad way.

Jaemin groans, pulling his hair. “Stop being so pessimistic, damn it.”

The seniors all left when the bell rang at twelve noon, and majority of them are already preparing for the party. Jaemin is one of them.

5:30 p.m., his alarm clock shows, and he’s still lying on his bed, lazy. At least he has his underwear and black fishnet stockings on, and that Yangyang’s house is not far from his.

He checks his phone again and sees the group chat of the entire batch being noisy. Wanting to know why they’re sending the letter F, he backreads.

** _to the seniors who will be really going, press f_ **

Jaemin sees that the people he usually talks to are going. Not surprising, but it would shock him if they don’t go. He continues scrolling down, and his thumb stops moving upwards.

** _F_ **

Jeno sent that. He is really going to the party. Jaemin’s brain cells begin to interact, making him think of nothing but his best friend, and the fact that inevitably, he will be seeing his face. The fact that he might have to deal with rejection, the end of their friendship the moment they see each other.

Those kinds of thoughts usually make a normal person not want to go, but Jaemin doesn’t want to run away from his problems anymore. If this is the last time he will be able to talk to his best friend properly, then he’s going to cherish it.

With this, he gets up from bed and proceeds to get his makeup kit and his mirror, going for a light, blushy look to suit the softness of his getup. He applies an ample amount of colorless gloss on his lips to finish the look, and when he looks in the mirror for the last time, he smiles.

_Thank god the blushy look worked out_.

For his hair, he chooses to style most of his brunette locks to the left, and clipping up the remaining locks with colorful bobby pins on the right.

Jaemin then puts the shorts and cropped top he bought yesterday, along with his combat boots. He spins around in front of the mirror once to check if he is presentable enough for the party, and he nods when the entire getup turns out better than he thought.

While fixing the front pockets of his shorts, he hears his phone ringing. He unplugs it from his charger first before checking new notifications, only to see a message from Yangyang in the batch’s group chat, along with a picture that shows a line of red cups on the kitchen counter.

** _the drinks are waiting…_ **

Jaemin is not fazed by the thought of drinking alcohol, but he is thinking about consuming a little amount of it just so he can have enough courage to face Jeno later. Movies did teach him that alcohol can become a useful truth and bravery serum, if he doesn’t take too much of it. He places his phone on the back pocket of his shorts and gets out of his room.

After saying bye to his mom and dad, he starts his walk to Yangyang’s house and takes Saitama’s words to heart, chanting it like some spell from a book of witchcraft. “I’ll leave later’s problems to later’s me.”

The walk to his classmate’s house isn’t exhausting, thanks to the still cold breeze. Also, the music that can be heard from outside of his house is already something Jaemin can see himself dancing to.

Jaemin already sees most of his classmates the moment he walks past the gate; they’re about to do stuff they might not even recall when dawn breaks. The smiles on their faces imply that they won’t regret a thing about it.

Just like them, he hopes the night ends without regrets and him suffering even more, but that’s impossible.

“Jaemin!” Yangyang welcomes him, giving him a red cup. “You look _stunning_, man.”

He smiles awkwardly, throwing a peace sign out of nowhere as a way of saying thanks. Yangyang chuckles, patting his shoulder. “If you want more drinks, they’re all by the counter. If you want soft drinks and water, they’re all in the fridge.”

Jaemin bobs his head. “Thanks, Yang.”

“You’re welcome, Jaem. Let’s get wasted tonight!” And with that, Yangyang excuses himself to welcome their other schoolmates.

Jaemin is left alone again, and he hates that he’s not used to it.

The person he usually sticks to in occasions like this is not around yet, but he will be fine. He reminds himself that he will just have to socialize with anyone who is present. He can handle this. He has to get used to days when Jeno is not there to accompany him in days like this.

Thirty minutes later, Jaemin sees Renjun enter the house looking like a peacock, wearing garments that have feathers in different colors, along with glittery shoes and aviator sunglasses.

“Three red cups for this bitch!” Renjun grabs someone else’s red cup that contains who knows what kind of alcohol, and takes it all in one gulp. He steals two other red cups and chugs it down like a shot, appearing unfazed by the effect of the alcohol he consumed.

Jaemin had plans of sticking with him, but he takes it back, proceeding to staying somewhere safe so Renjun won’t make him do weird things.

Soon enough, he ends up hanging with the hip and harmless stoners who are already dipping their bodies in Yangyang’s swimming pool, already taking hits and all that. Jaemin does not communicate with them verbally, but he finds it fascinating to see them look at the pink skies with so much wonder.

Knowing that they’re already up in the clouds, Jaemin goes back to the living room to hang out with the rest.

Unfortunately, most of them are doing things that Jaemin wishes he did not see. He covers his eyes and walks up the staircases to the second floor, the only remaining safe haven in the house.

Well, it is not much of a safe haven thanks to the lewd noises coming from some occupied rooms, but he can ignore it. Jaemin finds it bizarre that Yangyang’s place has become a mess in less than two hours. Heck, he even wonders where he went.

“It’s surprising to see you without Jeno.”

His ears perk up, only to see Donghyuck sitting down on the floor, leaning his back against the wall near the stairs. Jaemin holds his still full red cup tighter.

Donghyuck. Before Jeno, his best friend was him. They used to be so attached, until they realized they’re better off with different kinds of peers, and too different to still stick to each other. They just naturally grew apart.

But sometimes, Jaemin can’t help but wonder what would happen if he and Donghyuck continued to stick together.

“It is.” He agrees, choosing to take a seat next to the person he used to rely on so much. “But I have to get used to him not being there.”

Donghyuck nods, his smile still radiating warmth after all these years. “I understand that.” He takes a sip from his red cup silently, and Jaemin can’t help but see a glint of sadness in his eyes.

Yes, Jaemin has heard of the thing he had with Mark Lee last year. He has heard of the rumors of them dating a few months before their graduation, has wondered if all of them were true, and if it’s what is making him sad.

“How have you been, Jaem?” Donghyuck asks warmly.

Jaemin takes a sip from his red cup, his face turning sour at the taste that hits his tongue. “Not so great lately, you?”

That sourness hitting his tongue is familiar. Jaemin inspects the content of his red cup, only to find out that Yangyang gave him lemonade water. The taste even affects his body, making him jolt hard.

Donghyuck does not laugh at him, but holds his arm gently. “Same here. Too many what ifs going through my head now.”

He leans his head against the wall, no longer minding the moans coming from a room nearby. “I guess we’ve spent some time being dense and dumb.”

“Now we’re probably spending time regretting, and trying to make things right.” Donghyuck adds to his point, and the laugh that comes out of his lips sounds so miserable, so heartbroken.

He may have no real idea what he is going through, but that laugh is something Jaemin felt to his core.

Donghyuck continues taking sips from his red cup, and Jaemin tries finishing the lemonade water so he can have a bit of what is in the cup of the other.

Just as Jaemin is about to ask the other for what is in his cup, Donghyuck has tears running down his cheeks. He freezes, not knowing what to do.

“To be honest, I am so jealous of you and Jeno.” The mascara Donghyuck is wearing dirties his cheeks, as it flows down along with his tears. “The two of you are always in your own world, like you see no one but each other.”

Taken aback but knowing he should do something, Jaemin settles for patting his head. He used to see Mark do that to Donghyuck in the hallway. He thinks that it will help.

“Anybody would risk it all just to find that kind of connection.” While crying it out, Donghyuck pours some of his drink into Jaemin’s red cup. “I thought Mark and I got something going on, but I guess not.”

Jaemin’s ability to empathize is at its strongest tonight. Just hearing the ache in Donghyuck’s voice is enough for him to actually put himself in his shoes.

Thoughts of Jeno and him growing apart once they go to college haunt him again. The possibility of them not keeping in touch, and being nothing but each other’s passing thoughts hurts like fuck already, even if it’s just in his head.

_What if we never really conquered the stars and the planets? _Jaemin questions, hopelessness all over his face. He takes a sip from his cup. He can’t help but give in to his darkest thoughts again, not when their friendship is at the verge of most likely breaking.

Where is even Jeno, anyway?

“I’m sorry, Hyuckie.” Jaemin mutters, calling him by his childhood nickname. A small smile shows on Donghyuck’s face, clutching onto his free hand.

Just like when they were kids.

Jaemin brushes his thumb on Donghyuck’s hand. “I am sure you will find someone better. There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

In a way, he tells it to himself too, preparing himself for the worst when he faces Jeno. Jaemin just has to be ready. It has always been a matter of hoping, of never being sure.

“You’re right.” Donghyuck proceeds to rest his head on Jaemin’s shoulder. “I’ll find someone better.”

“That’s the spirit.”

They spend another hour like that, hands still intertwined. The noises coming from the bedrooms don’t seem to stop, but Jaemin shuts them out because he actually enjoys Donghyuck’s company.

That’s when it hits him. Jaemin misses Donghyuck more than he thought, and it’s not just because he’s lonely in some party. He genuinely misses these kinds of moments with him, moments where they really rely on each other.

As much as he wants to stay with him longer though, he has to start looking for Jeno. At this time, he must be already here. Slightly bummed out, he squeezes Donghyuck’s hand, and tells him, “I have to go.”

“Sure.” Donghyuck lifts his head up from his shoulder and lets go of Jaemin’s hand, rubbing his eyes gently.

They yawn at the same time, a sign that the alcohol is beginning to take over their systems. The liquid courage is kicking in. That means he will also have the urge to answer the call of nature too.

Jaemin excuses himself and goes downstairs, speed walking to the bathroom he saw earlier. He cringes when he bumps against two people grinding on each other, feeling their sweat on his crop top. _Disgusting_, he remarks as he glares at those people for a moment.

When he gets past the cramped living room, he smiles at the sight of the unoccupied bathroom. He walks forward, ready to let it out.

Until he feels hands on both sides of his waist, gripping it so roughly, making him stop walking. Jaemin yelps and swiftly slaps their hands away, continuing to walk forward again.

“Jaemin, you look really pretty tonight.” The person slurs, in a shrill and menacing voice. Jaemin turns back for a second, and immediately regrets doing it.

“You make me want to buy a strap and try it on you.” The person turns out to be their school’s cheerleader captain, wasted and her clothes all wrinkly. The lipstick she’s wearing is smudged now, staining the side of her mouth.

“Come here, let me take care of you.”

Before she can get her hands on him again, Jaemin runs towards the bathroom door, opening it in a hurry and slamming it at her face once he is inside.

Even as he locks the door, he hears her screaming his name, telling him about all the things she wants to do to him. It terrifies Jaemin hearing all of them that he forgets why he was supposed to go to the bathroom, sitting down on the clean bathtub, hugging his knees close to his chest.

He trembles when her voice gets louder, calling his name like a creep would. His lips quiver, wishing that he should have brought his earphones so he can shut them out.

Fall Out Boy’s Favorite Record begins to play outside. It’s Jeno’s favorite song. It’s one of the songs he’d always sing to Jaemin. It’s supposed to comfort him, but it does the complete opposite.

_Jeno, where are you? _He screams in his head so helplessly.

The words coming out of the cheerleader get at its loudest, and Jaemin covers his ears with his palms, looking around the bathroom frantically for something normal his eyes can fixate on. He chooses to stare at the shower curtain that has bubble designs.

Jaemin shuts everything out.

As he is sticking himself to the bathtub, he hears some people pull her far from the door, and someone among them screaming so angrily at her. He hears how the party suddenly stopped, because Yangyang is already calling the police. He hears her being pushed to the floor, and loud stomps.

The door gets slammed open, its back hitting the bathroom wall hard. Jaemin’s entire body shakes.

“Jaemin?”

His eyes widen upon hearing the familiar voice—the same voice that screamed a few seconds ago.

“Jaem, are you okay? It’s me.”

Still scared, he slightly opens the shower curtain, getting a glimpse of who just entered. Who knows, maybe it is not the person he has been looking for.

Jaemin sees a guy wearing a white muscle tee that shows his toned arms, tucked in his denim skinny ripped jeans. He looks up hesitantly, his doe-like eyes getting glassy.

The last chorus of Favorite Record plays in the background as Jaemin mumbles, “You’re here.”

His best friend nods, offering him a hand. “Of course I’m here.” Jaemin takes it and gets up from the bathtub, already wrapping his trembling arms around Jeno’s neck, having no plans of letting him go.

Despite seeing the police cuff her wrists and drag her out of Yangyang’s home, Jaemin is still scarred by what just happened. All that he can mutter is his best friend’s name, and with every minute that passes, his grip on him tightens. Jeno holds him tighter too, assuring him that he will be fine.

Nothing is going to harm him anymore, now that he’s here.

Jaemin and Jeno stay there for a little more, still holding on to each other. He is already crying his heart out, the fear dissipating bit by bit. He misses this. He misses him.

“I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your texts.” Jaemin apologizes as he stops resting his face on his shoulder, and Jeno is wiping his tears away with his thumbs.

“I’m sorry about that too, Nana.” Jeno cups his face so gently, like he is the most fragile kind of glass. Jaemin sniffles. “Let’s get out of here.”

Jaemin nods eagerly, placing his hands over Jeno’s. “Please.”

With interlocked hands, they walk past their schoolmates, and finally out of Yangyang’s house. Jeno’s grip on Jaemin’s hand is still tight and reassuring even as they walk to his pickup truck and get in.

As soon as Jaemin puts his seatbelt on, Jeno starts the engine and drives away from the place with one hand.

While trying to pull himself together, he feels Jeno’s free hand holding his, resting them on his thigh. He breathes in and out, looks at all of the houses they’re passing by, convincing his body that he is already out of danger.

The radio begins to play some indie hits they have not heard of yet, contributing to a tranquil atmosphere. Jaemin continues to breathe in and out, squeezing Jeno’s hand like it’s a stress ball.

“Do you wanna eat a Big Mac?” Jeno asks softly, his eyes shifting to Jaemin from time to time.

Jaemin shakes his head, grimacing, his mind still in shambles. “I don’t know.”

The truck parks on an empty space, right in front of McDonald’s, as expected. Jeno twists the car key, turning the engine off. Jaemin is not shaking as much as earlier, his breath steadying.

For the second time tonight, Jaemin experiences the comfortable atmosphere, and he’s elated to know that he gets to be with Jeno. It doesn’t show since his body is still acting like there’s a potential danger nearby, but he is thankful for the latter being his knight in shining armor.

Well, not in shining armor in their case, but a muscle tee that shows his biceps and veiny arms.

Jaemin can’t bring it in himself yet to gawk at how his best friend looks tonight, but the urge to answer the call of nature is stronger now.

“I have to go to the comfort room.” Jaemin says whilst unbuckling his seatbelt, preparing to get out of the truck. “And I want two large packs of French fries.”

“On it,” Jeno replies, unbuckling his seatbelt too. He lets Jaemin get out of the car and run into the place to do what he is supposed to do.

The fast food chain they are in is not full of customers, shockingly. It’s just nine in the evening and there are only two tables being occupied. Not that the two are complaining anyways; the lesser the people, the better.

Once Jaemin gets out of the comfort room, he sees Jeno munching on his Big Mac again while looking at the view outside. He can’t help but think of how much he missed seeing his handsome face, even if they did not see each other for just a few days.

Not in the mood to fool around and surprise him, he sits on the chair next to his best friend silently, getting a handful of fries and shoving it in his mouth.

Upon tasting the fries, his slightly exposed stomach lets out a growl. Jaemin’s already tinted cheeks get pinker, and Jeno chuckles with a full mouth.

“Cute,” Jeno remarks, his crescent eyes making his heart beat quickly again.

Jaemin swallows the fries he ate, and turns to him. Their gazes towards each other do the talking, and even if he’s sitting, he feels his knees shake over how Jeno is looking at him.

He does not want to describe it, get his hopes up, and break his own heart. Experiencing it once is already a fatal blow to his beating organ.

“Sorry for ignoring your texts last week.” Jeno apologizes, biting his lower lip, the twinkle in his eyes beginning to dim. “I didn't mean to do that. I had a lot on my mind.”

Jaemin shakes his head. “That hurt, but it’s okay.” _I can’t stay mad at you._

Jeno puts his Big Mac down, his face screaming many regrets, and many things left unsaid. Jaemin may have no idea what he wants to express, but if it’s going to break his heart, then so be it. After all, this choice of falling for his best friend will bring him nothing but misery.

“Let’s fill our stomachs first.”

“Okay.” Jaemin tries to play it cool, act like he is blissfully unaware and going to be completely fine after all this, but he could already feel his heartstrings getting tugged. He proceeds to stuffing his stomach with good food, nonetheless.

They finish eating an hour later, and they leave a tip before going out, hit with the cold evening breeze as soon as they walk past the door. They get in the truck and Jeno turns the engine on, pulls the two vehicle’s windows down, and puts the volume of the radio at maximum.

No conversation occurs throughout the ride. There is already something lingering in the air, but Jaemin tries not to think too much about it. Miley Cyrus’ The Most is playing on the radio, and it’s doing a great job in making the atmosphere emotionally tense.

_So why do I hurt you so? Is it ‘cause I know? Why do I hurt you so? Is it ‘cause you love me the most?_

Jaemin decides to turn to Jeno, and admires the way the lights outside are illuminating his face, making him more beautiful than he already is.

In a few years, Jaemin will remember this moment and smile. He will remember that for at least a few years, he loved a boy who constantly made him feel like he mattered. He will remember the emotional rollercoaster he went through and laugh, because somehow, Jeno made him learn a fraction of what love is.

After going past town, they ended up in another parking lot. The engine is turned off once again, and Jeno unbuckles his seatbelt. Static comes out of the radio now.

_Is he going to leave me here? _Jaemin sees that they’re in the parking lot of an abandoned supermarket that must have closed due to bankruptcy, or for something else. He doesn’t know. He just wants to keep his mind busy with trivial things, and not let the insecurities in him take over like last time.

He unbuckles his seatbelt too. He does not look at his best friend, afraid that the outcome of all this would show in his face.

Jaemin feels his throat tighten on its own, hears his brain tell him spiteful things about himself. _He won’t love you like that_.

Before he can start biting his nails, Jeno places his palm on top of both of his hands. Jaemin hears him exhale, and he wonders why he sounds like he is finally lifting a burden from his shoulders.

It is told loud and clear. “I love you.”

He looks up from his lap, to see Jeno smiling at him; the kind of smile where his eyes do not form crescents, and his upper and bottom lip are pressed against each other to not show how they are shaking.

Jaemin blinks his eyes fast. “What?”

Jeno clears his throat, and finally lets his walls come down. “I love you, Na Jaemin.”

Cheesy to hear, but it does feel like time just stopped. Jaemin wonders if he is losing his mind. He has thought of all the things that could happen, and he was ready to get rejected, but he hears _this_.

But it’s too good to be true. Maybe the alcohol is beginning to make his daydreams seem real.

“I love—I have loved you since...for _so_ long.” Jaemin can see the way Jeno is avoiding his eyes, sees the way his cheeks are turning pink, the tears brimming in the corners of his eyes. “And I still do. I still love you.”

With each word that comes out of Jeno’s mouth, it feels like every single scratch in his heart is being sealed up with bandages. He feels like a child being given lots of candy while trick-or-treating during Halloween.

Jaemin tries to say something, but nothing comes out. His brain is malfunctioning, not being able to form even a simple sentence.

Even as he struggles, Jeno continues pouring his heart out to him. “I was supposed to confess to you last week, but my fear of rejection got ahead of me. I was scared of the possibility that you were going to pretend I didn’t exist, that our friendship would end just like that.”

_So we had the same thoughts_, Jaemin realizes. That evening, they were trying to get past their fears and be honest, but he gets it. Insecurities are a bitch.

“But I just want you to know that you’re my favorite person, my ride or die. My soulmate, in all of the parallel universes that exist out there. You’re the person I always want to come home to, and I know I’m being selfish, but I never want to let you go.”

The tears fall. He has not cried in front of him for so long. The last time he did, it was over a big test he did not study for during sophomore year. Jaemin remembered assuring him that he would do fine, since he’s smart without even trying.

Now, Jaemin cannot even give him a pat on the back or his friendly and loving hugs, because he is crying too.

Someone out there may probably look at them and see them as dramatic, but to Jaemin, this moment is something he will bring to his grave. Hearing that the love of his life loves him just as much, if not more, makes him feel like he conquered the entire universe. He feels whole.

“I am also very sure that I want to take you out on the fanciest dates, and spoil you just as much as you’ve spoiled me through the years. I want to make you happy, and continue making you feel everything you said in your journal.” Before Jeno can wipe his own tears, Jaemin does it for him with the back of his hand, caressing his face so gently.

“I’m really in love with you. I really love you a lot, Jaem.”

Jaemin surely has most of his blushy look ruined, but he does not care at this point. He is currently resting his forehead against Jeno’s now, closing his eyes and basking in the moment. This night has been such an emotional rollercoaster, but at least it’s ending well.

“I love you so much, Jeno.”

Just as he is about to close the distance between their lips, loud pits and pats against the windows of the truck distract them. They look at them, only to see that it has suddenly rained hard.

The rainfall is so strong that they can barely see anything. Jaemin thought that if it was not so severe, he would have suggested for them to kiss under the rain to make things more romantic, but health comes first. They can’t miss graduation practices and prom will be happening in three weeks or less.

“You know, we should go back.” Jaemin suggests, amazed at how strong the rain is. He is wondering if the news reported that the chances of rain will be high. “We might get struck by lightning any time now.”

Jeno nods, seeing how fidgety Jaemin is getting, knowing how he dislikes the shock thunder and lightning give off. He turns the radio on to keep him calm as he starts driving again.

*

** _mom, dad, i’m staying over at jeno’s tonight. don’t worry too much abt me luv u both._ **

Jaemin does not wait for a response, knowing that by now, they are already sleeping. He checks the time on his phone. _2:49 a.m._

Every single post lamp is on, lighting the way for them, along with the truck’s headlights. The rain is not as strong as earlier, but it’s still blurring the view ahead of them despite the windshield wiping the water off.

They get to Jeno’s home just as he was about to doze off to the songs of the 1980s. He blinks his drowsiness away the moment he feels the truck stop.

Jeno unbuckles his seatbelt, gets his car key and places it in one of his jeans’ pockets. “We’ll be running under the rain, get ready.”

“_You_ should be the one getting ready.” Jaemin jokes, and the moment they open the car doors on their sides, they get out and run _fast_.

The rain hits their bodies heavily and in three seconds, Jaemin is drenched from top to bottom. He feels his crop top cling onto his torso as he speed walks to the doorstep of Jeno’s home, trying his best not to slip from how wet the path is.

His clothes have absorbed so much rainwater that the tips of his sleeves keep dripping on the welcome mat, but he knows Jeno does not mind. He is concerned though, since this kind of rain can trigger his boyfriend’s chronic rhinitis.

_Boyfriend_. Jaemin smiles to himself upon referring to him as such.

After Jeno spots the house’s spare key, he unlocks the door and opens it. The two remove their footwear as quick as they can the moment they get inside, leaving it near the other shoes. They leave a trail of water drops as they go, and it gets worse when they reach the second floor, looking silly trying to not wake anyone.

By the time they’re near the home’s main bathroom, there is a box-like opening on the ceiling. Jaemin watches Jeno grab a cane leaning against the wall, raising his arm high enough to let the tip of the object poke it with the right amount of force.

Jaemin remembers the last time he spent there—the Lee residence’s attic, but goes by the term _secret lair_. He remembers trying alcohol for the first time on the first minute of 2019 there; sporting a sour expression on his face the moment the bitterness hits his taste buds.

He also remembers Jeno drinking alcohol like he has been doing it for his entire life. He drank so much that he passed out on the mattress and Jaemin laughed at how cute he looked, and admired his red cheeks and full lips.

Perhaps he already had a crush on Jeno back then.

The ladder hits the floor and Jaemin snaps out of his thoughts. Jeno makes him climb up first, a hand on his waist to support him. He climbs up with ease, and once his head gets past the opening, the first thing he sees is his older sister’s space in the lair. It is not used anymore, which is why his three cats are currently sleeping on top of the hot pink duvet.

Bongshik, Seol, and Nal look peaceful. Jaemin realizes he misses them a lot, especially Seol, the first among the three who warmed up to him, who always asks him to scratch the back of his ears through a nudge on his sides.

Water is still dripping off of his body as he stands on the wooden floor, and he starts to feel the cold temperature getting to him. Since he detests the cold, he quickly takes his drenched crop top off, his shorts, and his fishnet stockings leaving him with only his underwear on.

The ladder is pulled back up and the box is closed once again. Jeno looks for thick clothes through his small closet and once he gets his hands on one of his big black shirts, he throws it at Jaemin.

When Jaemin catches the garment with both of his damp hands, he sees Jeno take his tee off. He finds it hard to look away, not when his back is so broad and so toned, unlike before. He is probably not just sleeping anymore.

His eyes avert to Jeno’s mattress, and sees dumbbells right next to it. Jaemin turns to his boyfriend again, seeing his still wet body. It’s hard but he tries his very best to not let his jaw drop and drool.

Hormones can really widen the imagination. _I wished I channeled more of that energy while studying_. Jaemin thinks as he catches a dry towel Jeno just threw at him.

After wiping his body off of rainwater and puts on the shirt Jeno gave him, he hears him ask, “Did that cheerleader earlier give you that bruise?”

_What?_ Jeno approaches him and lifts his shirt to check the bruise. Jaemin can see him _glaring _at the mark, like with that kind of look it can magically disappear.

“Hey, I’m fine. It’s okay.” Jaemin boops his nose with his index finger, runs his fingers through Jeno’s damp locks. The latter’s eyes soften the moment he looks up to his face. “I got to lock myself in the bathroom and you got there soon. She got arrested.”

“I could’ve gotten there sooner,” Jeno mumbles regretfully, looking down.

The beauty of the secret lair is that there is no light bulb to illuminate every part of the area, so at night, the brightness of the moon coming from the small windows do just that. It’s still a little dim and sometimes, they’re going to need a flashlight to look for something, but they like it that way.

He shakes his head and taps Jeno’s chin, a gesture that means that he should look at him. And he does, lifting his gaze from the bruise on his waist to his eyes. “I swear I’m fine.”

Jaemin’s soft smile slowly shifts to a smirk, not in a way that screams trouble. “Also, we have not kissed yet.”

Jeno looks at him with widened eyes, his prescription glasses about to slip off his nose bridge. “Do we really need to?”

“Not really. I just want you to kiss me.” He shrugs.

And Jeno does not give Jaemin time to breathe. From the moment he stops talking, the former leans in and lets their lips touch softly without warning. His eyes are as wide as saucers at first, taken aback, but he closes his eyes when he feels his boyfriend’s lips move on his own.

It’s slow, cautious, and sweet—everything that a first kiss should be. Jaemin is new to this, has no idea where to place his hands, completely frozen. He is aware that he looks stupid, considering that he’s the one who asked for it.

But Jeno is considerate enough to pull away, letting the other breathe. He observes how Jaemin looks so mindblown, unable to open his eyes, his cheeks as pink as the blush he wore earlier.

Jeno smiles brightly at the sight of a dazed Jaemin, so in love and incredibly whipped.

“God, I wasn’t ready for that.” Jaemin mumbles, and Jeno laughs at his reaction, holding on to his arms to keep him steady. “You should’ve told me you have kissed someone before.”

Jeno stops laughing. His eyes are wide as he awkwardly utters, “You’re my first kiss.”

Jaemin can’t believe it. “What?”

“You’re my first kiss.”

“What the fuck, Jeno, are you serious.” Betrayal and disbelief are painted all over Jaemin’s face. He moves his arms away from Jeno’s hold, walking towards the mattress, ready to lie down and get some rest.

But Jeno is not done yet, pulling him back, making Jaemin’s back bump against his chest. This action causes the latter to be more flustered than ever. The hands slipping in his shirt make it worse, resting against his bare stomach. It’s a simple touch, but Jaemin feels like he is going to explode.

Jeno rests his chin on his shoulder. “I love you baby, but you don’t have to be dramatic.”

_Baby. _Jaemin has already blushed so much already, he’s tired of his cheeks getting on fire.

“I…_fuck_.” He curses under his breath, covering his face with his hands. “The way you kissed me got me feeling some type of way.”

Sometimes, Jaemin wishes he isn’t so open when it comes to him. Jeno may be kind, considerate, and caring most of the time, but he can be a little shit sometimes. Now that he is his boyfriend, he is sure that the latter will be the death of him one day. No one should be surprised if he ends up getting in the emergency area of a hospital due to cardiac arrest. That would be his fault.

Dying from cardiac arrest due to too many feelings seems like a nice way to go, though.

Jaemin’s lips get attacked again as soon as Jeno turns him around. The air is smacked out of him again, and every bit of shyness in him is out of the window. Next thing is they fall on the mattress, his hand holding his nape as his back hits the covers.

Jaemin eases into the kiss as he feels his weight on top of him. He is still bad at kissing back, but he tries his best, not wanting to make Jeno feel like he is the only one loving it. His hands wander around awkwardly, hoping that he can find a body part he can latch onto.

Jaemin eventually molds his palms onto his shoulders, gripping them for dear life. When Jeno catches his lower lip between his teeth and starts nibbling, that’s when he loses it.

A needy whine escapes from his mouth. Jeno bites his lip even harder, and Jaemin whimpers softly. He continues doing it until the latter’s mouth is open, and starts on sucking his tongue with his own.

Things are escalating quicker than he thought. He feels his hands on his hips, pinning him down on the mattress. Not that he is complaining, Jaemin does not want it to stop at all. He likes how he feels like he’s melting from below him, likes how he is being cared for. He wants Jeno to have his way with him like this.

And Jaemin is happy to know that Jeno is enjoying this just as much, one of his hands squeezing his thigh.

The heat radiating from every part of his body intensifies when Jeno starts grinding on his crotch. Even if his lips are not on his own anymore, Jaemin still feels out of breath, his whines getting louder.

Jeno is getting busier, kissing his neck and creating hickeys, his hand fondling with his ass. Jaemin is squirming underneath him and keeping his eyes shut, feeling dizzy, seeing splashes of color at the back of his eyelids.

Everything becomes overwhelming and the world begins to blur. Jaemin is already panting, clutching onto Jeno’s biceps. The latter stops his movements as soon as he stops moving around and letting obscene noises come out of his swollen lips.

“Do you want to stop?” Jeno asks softly, a contrast to how wild he was, his hands wandering all over his lean body a few seconds ago. Jaemin holds him tighter, still feeling hazy and on cloud nine.

It takes a while for him to respond. “If you were going to keep that going, you could have just done it,” Jaemin pants.

Jeno lets his signature confused noise come out of his swelling lips, frowning. “Could have done what?”

Jaemin sighs heavily, squeezing his eyes shut for a second then opening them again, looking right into his eyes. “You could have just _dicked me down _since you seemed ready.”

See, virginity is nothing but what it is to Jaemin: a _concept_. He is fine with being sexually active, and he honestly just wants to lose this so-called purity of his as soon as possible. But ever since he started crushing on Jeno, his goal of sleeping around safely during the summer has become non-existent.

For sure, Jeno knows that goal since he read his journal. Well, he does not have to worry anymore; Jaemin has eyes for him alone, and no one else.

“I am ready as well,” Jeno hums, leaving a kiss on Jaemin’s cheek. “I just don’t want us to do it here.”

They look at each other, silently agreeing that the secret lair is not really the place for that kind of thing. They stare at his older sister’s bed, where Bongshik, Seol, and Nal are still sleeping. Someone among the three purrs, and it melts Jaemin’s heart, reminds him of whenever Byeolie softly barks.

“We wouldn’t want to disturb your kids,” Jaemin agrees.

“_Our _kids.” Jeno corrects him, smiling down at him. “Bongshik, Seol, Nal, and Byeolie are our children, Jaem.”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow. “Since when?”

He gets pulled from the comfort of the mattress and finds himself straddling his lap, his arms resting on his shoulders.

“Since I introduced you to them and gave you Byeolie, so five years ago.” Jeno beams, and Jaemin’s eyes widen at the revelation.

He points at himself with his forefinger, for emphasis. “So I’ve been your co-parent since I met the four of them, and you didn’t bother to tell me?”

Jeno’s smile falls. “You forgot.” He deadpans, not amused by Jaemin’s reaction at all. He reminds him, anyway. “Yes, you proclaimed yourself as their _mom _when you met the cats and held Byeolie in our arms. You told them to refer to me as their _dad_.”

The memory resurfaces, when he was talking to them like they were toddlers and Jeno just watched him be loved by the four animals while he had his face mask on. It happened in the secret lair as well. He smiles fondly upon remembering.

“That’s domestic.” Jaemin comments as he takes another look at the three cats again. He is not given enough time to admire them in a parental way though, because he gets pushed down the bed again and Jeno is nuzzling his nose against his neck like a puppy, holding him like a doll.

Jaemin winces when the pain of the bruise hits, but he ignores it so Jeno won’t let go of him.

His boyfriend leaves a gentle kiss on one of the hickeys he formed earlier, and when he shifts his body upwards just so they can see each other’s faces properly, he pecks Jaemin’s upper lip before he kisses him deeply.

Jaemin wishes he has the energy to make out a little more, but the melatonin is taking over his system and he can’t fight it. Still, he kisses him back lazily, still letting Jeno take the lead.

They pull away after a few more kisses, resting their foreheads against each other.

“Goodnight, Jaem.” Jeno says drowsily, his grip on his waist still tight. “I love you.”

“Love you more, Jen.” Jaemin drapes a leg over his torso, using the heel of his foot to poke his lower back, making him move a little closer. “Sleep well.”

*

Jaemin still cannot believe it. Waking up to Jeno peppering kisses on his face felt like something he would daydream about in the midst of classes, something he’d write down on his journal, but he had proof that everything that happened hours ago was real.

Said proof is the hickeys marring his neck.

He knows he will have an earful of lectures from his parents the moment they see these red and purple marks, but at this point in life, Jaemin does not have the energy to conceal them. He’d rather brag about it, honestly.

That is why, in the first few minutes of noon, Jaemin lets Jeno lose control again.

He does not hold back as well, letting more weird noises come out of his mouth as Jeno plays with the waistband of his underwear while nibbling his earlobe.

Yes, Jaemin is aware that everything that’s going on is due to hormones, but it is not entirely like that.

“I love you,” Jeno whispers on his lips before planting one more kiss, then letting his head rest on his chest. Jaemin smiles dumbly, letting his fingers comb through his boyfriend’s smooth locks.

God he can’t believe Jeno is his boyfriend at this very moment. _Thank you, gay gods_.

Now he is in his family car, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment. Jaemin can see his mom glaring at him through the front mirror, specifically right at the hickeys.

Jaemin avoids her eyes. He knows he has to explain himself when they reach home, but at the moment, he is spammed by messages coming from schoolmates. They are mostly about the commotion regarding him and the cheerleading team’s captain last night.

Turns out someone filmed a video of it, including the part where she got arrested.

He ignores the messages asking if he is alright, and sees a notification from someone he hung out with last night. He presses on his name, and sees a long message.

** _jaem, i know something bad happened in the party and i am glad that jeno got you out of there. i hope you’re okay. anyways, i thought we really had a good time last night and i realized that i really missed you a lot. i thought we did not catch up on each other as much. so can i apply for being your best friend again?_ **

Out of all of the twists that Jaemin had this senior year, this is one of the things he expected the least. Rekindling his friendship with Donghyuck? What the hell?

Was last night a lucid dream? Is the simulation glitching?

Jaemin looks at his journal, placed perfectly on his lap. Jeno returned it to him before he left, reasoning that he needed to return it as soon as possible if he ever felt like writing anything memorable.

And he was right. There is a lot to take note of. Jaemin pays attention to his phone again, typing down a message to Donghyuck then sending it.

** _thanks for the concern, hyuck. about that application, you don’t even have to make one. let’s have lunch together on monday and catch up for real._ **

He places his phone on top of his journal, looking at the sun shining outside, overjoyed at how things are turning out.

Fortunately, he did not get told off about the hickeys as they reached home. They did not give him _the talk _too, but all his mom asked was: “So what’s with you and Jeno now?”

“He’s my boyfriend.” Jaemin answers meekly. _Yes, he is my boyfriend_, he repeats in his head but with more pride. He is proud enough to brag that he got the boy of his dreams, the boy who has been by his side for so long, one of the few good ones out there.

His parents don’t even look surprised at all, like they have seen this coming through their parental intuitions, through how the two got attached to each other so naturally when they were thirteen. His mom is happy about it regardless, but his dad is not taking this piece of information well.

Jaemin knows he is not happy about it. “Dad, if you’re worried about me being with Jeno, we talked it out.” He assures him, but the look on his dad’s face still doesn’t change. “You know that, love and misunderstanding.”

Seeing that his dad is still unfazed, Jaemin pulls his kicked puppy face, wherein he exaggerates his pout, makes his eyes look glassy, and clasps his hands together like he’s begging. He learned this from his mom; it has always worked.

And inevitably, the trick works on him. “Fine fine, I get it. If he just makes you cry like that again, I won’t let it slide.” He sighs heavily, still frowning. Jaemin and his mom laugh hard, approaching him and hugging it out.

In the midst of the cute family moment, Byeolie comes out from the kitchen with a goal of joining in the hug. He is jumping around them, trying to hold on to their legs with his cute paws. Jaemin pulls away from the hug and kneels in front of him, cooing at his child and giving him a warm hug.

Jeno’s word rings in his head. _Child_. He cannot look at his precious Samoyed anymore without thinking that his boyfriend referred to him as his child—_their _child.

Jaemin picks him up from the floor, cradling him like a baby despite his size saying otherwise. “I missed you so much, Byeolie. I’m sorry if I gave you the cold shoulder.” And he lets his hands go through his dog’s white fur.

“I’ll go to my room now,” He tells his parents, walking up the staircases while carrying Byeolie, his journal, and his phone.

He puts Byeolie back on the floor when they finally get in his bedroom. His child rolls around until he is laying on his back, barking softly before dozing off. Jaemin grabs a pen from his nightstand and checks his phone.

Of course, Jeno messages him.

** _are u home already?_ **

Jaemin giggles weirdly, his grin wide as he sits next to a sleeping Byeolie, opening his journal with one hand and texting his boyfriend back with the other.

** _yeah, i’m fine. my fam didn’t give me the talk, btw :P_ **

He averts his eyes from his phone, checking the page he was supposed to write on after his last entry. What he saw was a paragraph in someone else’s handwriting.

Jeno wrote something in his journal, and it’s long. Jaemin blinks his eyes quickly, surprised.

His phone rings again just as he was about to start reading it.

** _they didn’t too. they just wondered how we got to sneak in quietly. and i am wasting tissues rn. i hate my nose :D_ **

Jaemin quickly types a reply, smiling sweetly as he lets his thumb move around pressing each letter.

** _SHSJJD we ninja boyfriendz_ **

** **

** _ and dont hate ur nose >:( ur nose is worth all the boops <3_ **

As soon as he sends it, he turns back to his journal.

_Na Jaemin, did you think that confessing to me through leaving your journal in my room was a great idea? Did you think that you were not going to make me cry if I read all this? God, if I wasn’t so in love and so weak when it comes to you, I would have thrown this at your pretty face_

_ I love you so much, but this ain’t it. You’re not gonna get away with this as soon as I show up at the party later._

Jaemin guesses Jeno wrote this in the heat of the moment, since he did say he was crying but was also angry. He imagines how he must have looked like the moment he read it: hair sticking all over the place, balls of dirtied tissues surrounding him, crying and blowing his nose, cursing under his breath. He’d still look good though.

_This is what true love is like_, Jaemin thinks as he begins to write down on the empty page next to the paragraph written by his boyfriend.

It did not take him long to finish; he only wrote a few things and then closed it. Jaemin kills some time by scrolling through his social media accounts and rewatching random videos in YouTube after.

_So Donghyuck and I are best friends again, after years. The captain of the cheerleading team was about to do some pretty bad things, but she got arrested. Jeno got me out of Yangyang’s house then, confessed to me._

_We made out in the secret lair of his home, twice. So yeah, we’re boyfriends now, and it may not show in the way I’m writing this but I’m really really happy. He made me really happy. I’m overjoyed, I feel euphoric, elated that he feels the same way._

_I am…so in love, and happy._

*

“I’m going to pull an Elton John for prom. A _futuristic _Elton John.” Donghyuck’s loud voice echoes throughout the entire fitting area.

“Renjun won’t be happy about someone being more flamboyant than him during the night, though.” Jaemin is even louder, his deep voice reaching every corner as he responds to Donghyuck.

“Then let him be unhappy!”

Jaemin laughs as he looks at himself through the mirror, wondering if the clothes he’s wearing looks good. He already has an idea on what kind of makeup he will have for the big prom, what kind of hairstyle will he have, and what accessories he will be wearing.

He fixes some parts of the garments, making sure that it does not appear wrinkled. Donghyuck from the fitting cubicle next to him is already singing at the top of his lungs, like there are no people in the shop that they are in. His voice cracks later on, and Jaemin guffaws.

“Are you ready to see my futuristic getup, Min?” Donghyuck asks loudly.

“_Fuck_ yeah.” Jaemin replies, turning around to face the cubicle door. He pushes it open and walks out at the same time as his best friend.

When they face each other, their eyes widen at their getups. Donghyuck is the first to talk, holding onto Jaemin’s forearms and shaking him as he shouts, “You look gorgeous!”

Jaemin thinks otherwise. The entire look seemed nice in his head and he’s slightly disappointed that what he pictured did not match up to reality. On the other hand, Donghyuck does look like a futuristic Elton John with his scientist glasses, spectrum colored wings that are sharp at edges, and his suit that has sequins as its main material.

“You look really awesome, Hyuck.” Jaemin marvels at the sequins on his suit, mesmerized at how they reflect under the light of the fitting area so well. However, it looks like putting on his entire getup is burdensome.

As for his own, it is easy to put on and take off, not uncomfortable to wear but he feels like it looks too much on him. Maybe other people will judge him for it, but Donghyuck always senses when Jaemin lets his own brain put him down.

He shakes him again, cutting him off of his thoughts. “Hey Jaemin, I mean it. Your getup is very gorgeous, and very _you_.” Donghyuck turns him around, and they face the huge mirror that is near the last fitting cubicle.

Jaemin wears a black bodysuit that shows his frame well, the lines in the garment a shade of pink. Over the suit is a long pink satin skirt that has a slit at the side that reaches his knee. To complete the look, he is wearing black high top boots.

“It feels too much, I guess?”

“Nothing is _too much _with a camp concept.” Donghyuck grins at their reflections, jumping once just to match his height. “And honestly, you don’t even look too campy.” Jaemin looks at his reflection for the last time, and thinks that he looks okay.

“What do I wear to look campy then?” He asks.

“A bucket hat,” Donghyuck grins.

So Jaemin buys the bodysuit, skirt, boots, and the black bucket hat. He exits the mall and hugs Donghyuck really tight before they part ways and go to their respective homes. He has a nice dinner with his parents, eating a full plate of mashed potatoes full of gravy made by his mom. They calmly chat about today’s events, gossiping about various celebrities and eating to their heart’s content.

He gets back to his room after diligently washing the dishes, a hand over his full stomach, expecting Byeolie to just stay where he was earlier.

What he sees is a guy wearing a hoodie, petting Byeolie. Jaemin shrieks and backs himself up against the door, horrified. Said guy looks up, the frames of his glasses reflecting under the light of the bedroom. “Hey Jaem.”

“First of all, how did you get here?” Jaemin asks, the hand that was on his stomach now on his chest, walking towards the bed and sitting next to him. Byeolie is sleeping on Jeno’s lap, his tongue out.

Jeno just has his eyes on Jaemin ever since he entered. Anyone can tell how fond he is of the other just by how he looks at him, completely mesmerized. “Climbed up, as always.”

“You can’t just keep sneaking in my room, that’s creepy.”

Jeno presses his lips on the side of his forehead. “Sorry babe.” Jaemin fights the grin that’s about to show in his face, but to no avail. He rubs a still asleep Byeolie’s head to distract himself instead.

“So how have you been doing?” Jeno sounds less playful than earlier, his free hand rubbing his nape.

“Hyuck and I already got what we’ll be wearing for prom. You?” Jaemin looks back at Jeno, his fingers running through Byeolie’s fur.

Jeno shrugs, “I got what I’ll wear for prom too.”

Jaemin moves his face closer to Jeno’s, trying to see something. When it comes to eye contact, the latter is always the first to look away and get flustered, his neck and ears heating up whenever it happens. He is wondering if teasing him like this is going to make him react the same way.

However, it turns out that things change when your best friend becomes your boyfriend.

Just as Jaemin is sure that he is going to look away, Jeno leans in even more, until the distance no longer exists and their lips are moving against each other perfectly, warm and at the same time electrifying.

Jaemin smiles into the kiss, feeling Jeno’s other hand hand pressed at his lower back. The urge to sit on the latter’s lap is strong, but Byeolie is still resting there, unaware that his parents are eating each others’ faces.

They hesitantly pull away a minute later. Jaemin feels dizzy again, but a stupid smile graces his pretty face. It urges Jeno to kiss him more, so he leans in again and does it more passionately.

Byeolie wakes up in between, and jumps off of the bed when he catches the two kissing. Jeno finally grabs the opportunity to place Jaemin on his lap with ease, without even pulling away.

Jaemin cannot avoid letting a giggle come out of his lips when Jeno pulls away. He is so in love, so hooked, and so happy, and it feels like it is all that really matters for now.

_Is that how it feels to be in love? _If this is what the romance novelists often talk about, then he thinks that they deserve credit for trying to capture this kind of feeling in words. For the first time in his life, he is delighted to actually go deep in his feelings.

The feeling is contagious, which is why Jeno giggles with him.

“I’m so fucking in love with you,” Jaemin hides his face with his hands. He just cannot stop feeling so annoyingly giddy. He can’t stop feeling so fuzzy around Jeno.

“I love you too.” Jeno is not as awkward as when they were best friends. He lets the words he wants to say flow now, with no hesitation. Jaemin is aware that he is happy he does not have to hold back about telling him what he makes him feel, and that is euphoric.

They both lie down on the bed, cuddling each other. Jeno rests the side of his head on his chest, hugging his waist, about to fall asleep. Jaemin has his palm on his cheek, has his leg draped over his hip.

That night, Jaemin forgets to write an entry on his journal. But Jeno kisses him goodnight before his heavy eyes finally close, thinking that he doesn’t have to, because he definitely won’t forget this.

** **

*

“One day before prom!”

The sounds of flashing cameras echo throughout the gymnasium, and Jaemin is definitely not surprised to see that it is Renjun posing in front of them the moment he enters the place.

His section’s class president has a working apron on, and has his gloves stained with paint on, but he still continues posing like he’s in a photoshoot. Everyone’s staring weirdly at him, probably wondering when he’ll get back to work, but Jaemin ignores the weirdness to get to the person holding the ladder for Yangyang who is pasting those glittery handmade stars.

Jaemin already gets spotted by him even before he gets near. Jeno sports the biggest smile as soon as they see each other, some blue paint on his cheeks.

“Hi baby!” He feels his heart skip a few beats when Jeno calls him the pet name, with gentleness in his voice. He acts like he did not see Yangyang fake gag at the both of them. “What are you doing here?”

Before answering his question, he fixes the position of his eyeglasses for him, making sure it doesn’t slide down his nose bridge. “Thanks,” Jeno mumbles shyly. Jaemin gently pinches his cheek once his specs are in place.

“I was wondering how the designs for prom were going, and how _you_ were doing.” Jaemin looks up at the designs surrounding the upper parts of the gymnasium’s walls. Jeno takes off his gloves.

“They’re fine, almost done. I’m spent and really hungry.” Jeno takes off his working apron as well. “So you’re up for lunch?”

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, smirking slightly. “Do you need to ask?”

Once the apron and gloves rest on the floor covered with newspaper, Jeno slings an arm around his shoulders, which does not surprise anyone. They are all accustomed to the two being so touchy already.

“By the way, I made lunch. Caf food’s already boring my taste buds.” Jaemin chirps as they get out of the gymnasium.

“What did you make?” Jeno asks, curious.

“Your favorite.”

“Is it the—,”

“Yes, _the_ fried rice.”

Jeno’s face lightens up at the mention of the food, leaving a long smooch on Jaemin’s cheek. The latter rolls his eyes hard, pretending to not like the gesture. “Thanks, baby.”

_Here we go with that damned pet _name. Jeno does not even look ashamed of calling him as such, like he has wanted to say it for a long time, like he has practiced saying it so many times.

And not that Jaemin is complaining anyway. He loves cute nicknames, and loves it even more hearing it from him. “You’re welcome.”

*

Since Jaemin’s first year in high school, he did not really understand the buzz behind prom, and why it was the _best night_ for every teenager ever. He used to see tweets back then that prom is only the best night ever for the popular kids, the ones who have boyfriends and girlfriends, and for the ones who have friends.

Most of them said that prom is only good for the food. Jaemin is not so sure about that, hearing that the student council chose a catering service that was not so well-known, but he’ll just see later on.

For the last time, he checks on his getup to see if there is anything wrong, if there is something off with the makeup look he went for. Again, they did say that prom was going to be the best night of a teenager, so he had to look his best as well.

“Jaemin, your date is here,” He hears his mom shout from downstairs.

“Alright, coming!”

Jaemin gets the small body bag on his bed, which already has everything he needs for the night. He puts on his bucket hat carefully, and then rushes down the stairs with his boots on noisily.

He almost forgets that Jeno is standing by the stairs, hair styled back, wearing blue contact lens and his own getup for prom: a bulletproof vest over a black button up that has its sleeves folded up to around his elbows, fingerless hand gloves, leather harnesses on his lower body, and black punk combat boots. His look reminds him of how someone in PUBG would dress up; what he’s lacking is just a helmet and a firearm.

Jeno has his jaw dropped as he watches Jaemin walk down the staircases carefully. His parents look just as surprised, his mom with a hand over her mouth and his dad almost dropping the camera.

The entire moment feels like a scene straight out of a cheesy coming of age film, the camera not focusing on anything and anyone else. It’s just the two of them admiring each other. “You look great.” Jeno mutters under his breath, awestruck, his eyes twinkling. “Wow, you’re really..._beautiful_.”

Jaemin looks away, nudging him lightly with his elbow, fighting the smirk about to show on his face. “And you look really, _really _charming.”

They smile brightly at each other before they turn to the lens of the camera.

After many pictures and endless cooing, they walk out of the house, entering the pickup truck. Just as Jaemin is putting his seatbelt on, Jeno places a small box on his lap.

Jaemin’s eyes fixate on the box. It is colored blue, and there was no special design to make it stand out but it looks like a box for an engagement ring.

“That’s the corsage I have.” Jeno tells him as he puts his seatbelt on. Jaemin opens the box, seeing a thin silver gold ring placed nicely. The latter is wondering how a ring can be considered a corsage, since there is no presence of a flower in it.

Jaemin turns to Jeno, who has started the engine, about to ask him where the flower is—if it is engraved, or if that it is all he really has.

“I’ll put that on for you when we get there.”

He shakes his head. “It’s fine! I’ll put it on, no biggie.” Jaemin gets the ring from the box and puts it on his right hand’s fourth finger, not bothering to ask about where the flower is in the ring, if there is any. Jeno is pouting, bummed that he put it on already, but he also expected that from him.

They get to school safely, and they are also not surprised to see some of their schoolmates already throwing up on some spaces in the parking lot. They must have drunk some booze before they got here, or maybe someone spiked a drink before prom even started.

Nonetheless, Jaemin and Jeno get inside school, holding hands.

Jaemin stays close to his boyfriend as they enter the gymnasium, seeing that many of their fellow seniors dressed their best according to the theme. Some have pulled a dystopian getup like Jeno, with bulletproof vests and military boots. Some have even gone to dress up like a vaporwave version of Hannah Montana.

One thing is for sure: most of the girls appear happy and comfortable with their respective getups.

When someone saw Jeno and Jaemin, they tried calling for everyone’s attention, and some heard it. Suddenly, they were applauding the two of them, cheering for them, and making more noise. The atmosphere made it feel like welcoming someone of high ranks.

Being a Leo, Jaemin liked the attention. On the other hand, Jeno was flustered, not expecting that amount of energy for them.

The cheering stops when they began blending with the crowd on the middle, where many of the seniors are dancing to the songs playing. Letting loose, Jeno and Jaemin began to dance goofily, doing a couple of trendy dance moves to the beat, laughing when one of them or both of them mess up.

Since they’re in a crowd and everyone is too turned up to notice anyone doing anything strange, Jaemin thinks of pulling Jeno in for a sweet kiss under the blue lights.

However, just as The Outfield’s Your Love starts playing and everyone begins singing along and dancing harder, Jaemin gets dragged out of the crowd before he can initiate it. He screams, shocked at the iron grip on his arm. He tries to observe the face of the person who just dragged him out, but he is wearing a mask.

And he is also wearing a tuxedo—way too formal for the theme. _He’s definitely not from here_.

They stop by the entrance to the gymnasium, and Jaemin yanks his arm away from his grip strongly. He is frowning, and very pissed off. “Who the hell are you and why did you drag me here?”

“I’m so sorry Jaemin, I just.” The masked man pauses, and Jaemin frowns even more, sure that he has heard that voice from somewhere. It is so familiar; this person is probably one of the alumni from last year. “I’m just wondering if you know where Hyuck is.”

Jaemin blinks. “Donghyuck?”

The masked man finally stands straight, already caught his breath. He takes his mask off and Jaemin’s eyes and mouth are wide open in a heartbeat.

“_Mark Lee_?” He exclaims in disbelief.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Mark clears his throat. Jaemin can see the sweat forming on his forehead, but most of all, the stress in his eyes.

Jaemin’s mind travels back to the conversation he and Donghyuck had at the party. He remembers how he told him about how it felt like Mark found someone better in college, and how it felt like they were growing apart.

But what Jaemin really is wondering about now is this: how did Mark even get here when his second semester is surely not over yet?

“Anyways, what about Donghyuck?” Jaemin crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow, looking at him suspiciously. Of course, he does not forget that he is talking to someone older, so he speaks formally despite not wanting to.

Jaemin can see Mark gulping the lump down his throat, scared from his stare. He can’t help but think that _ugh, the power I have!_ “I just have a lot of explaining to do. It’s a long story.”

“Doesn’t seem like it from Donghyuck’s side of the story.”

Just from that, Mark looked like he was about to cry, and Jaemin begins to feel bad. _I shouldn’t have talked so big_. He seems so genuine about wanting to make things right.

“Jaemin, _baby_, are you okay?”

The seriousness of the atmosphere gets cleared in a snap, at least to Jaemin. Jeno sighs, a hand over his chest as he jogs towards him. “I never thought that dating you meant being your bodyguard.”

Jaemin winks at him greasily, making his still concerned boyfriend chuckle a little. Right there, he starts forgetting that he wanted to help a poor Mark out, all of his attention on Jeno.

They’ve only been dating for less than a month, and they are so whipped for each other to the point that it grosses him out sometimes. Perhaps they have been whipped already since they were just best friends, _best bros_, and Jaemin has been mistaking his love and care towards Jeno as friendship.

Thinking about things like this makes his head ache, so he stops and just lets Jeno leave a quick peck on his nose.

“Come on, let’s go.”

Jaemin lets himself get carried away by his lovesickness, _almost_. Until the forgotten person calls his name.

As he looks back, he sees Mark looking like he is about to go down on his knees and beg for help. “Please help me get to Donghyuck.”

Silence ensues but Jeno seems like he is thinking of something, with the way his eyebrows are furrowed together and how he is staring at Mark. Jaemin utters, “Okay, but put your mask on first.”

“Then you go with me,” Jeno adds. “I think I’m going to get called to the stage soon.”

Jaemin’s eyes widen, turning to his boyfriend. “What will you do?”

“You’ll find out soon,” Jeno answers teasingly, his grin wide.

And after that, Mark follows them as they enter the gymnasium again. By now, most of the seniors have taken their seats and started eating to their hearts’ content, and some of them are probably doing funny business in the comfort rooms.

Some of them have probably left too. _Big mood_, Jaemin thinks as he approaches the area where all the food is. He lightens up at the sight of hot lasagna; he does not hesitate to grab a plate and get a gigantic serving. He also grabs an extra plate full of it for Jeno.

When it came to the part of having to look for a table to occupy, he sees Donghyuck’s rainbow wings from afar. They’re so big that he is worried it’s giving him a hard time, but it’s an obvious way to track him down in a sea of people.

Sitting next to him would be a good idea. Jaemin would be the one calming him down when he gets to see Mark. _Amazing_, his brain cells are finally functioning properly.

He takes the seat on Donghyuck’s right, placing the two plates of lasagna on the table before sitting down. Jaemin glances at his best friend, and sees that he looks too sad compared to the lively atmosphere of the night.

“Hey Hyuck, you okay?”

Donghyuck is completely out of it as well. His smoky eyes show a mess of emotions going on in his head. Jaemin pokes his shoulder, and he snaps out of his thoughts, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but here.

“Hyuck,” Jaemin beams, raising a thumb up. “You good?”

“It’s nothing. I just miss Mark.” Donghyuck presses his lips on a thin line, shrugging his shoulders and shifting his eyes to his still untouched carbonara. He sighs loudly. “I’m sorry, it’s—he did promise me he’d go to my prom and give me a dance.”

He nods, understanding what that feels. That’s how he actually acted when he avoided Jeno for a few days, but being Na Jaemin, he was more dramatic and his way of handling his emotions were more chaotic.

Jaemin opts for squeezing his shoulder to comfort him; Donghyuck holds his hand and does not even try to smile.

Just as the slow music stops playing, the stage gets illuminated. This makes the rest roar in excitement, as soon as they see boys with instruments. He claps with enthusiasm like the rest. Donghyuck claps weakly.

The person with a mask on—_Mark _obviously, is in front of the microphone. Renjun is on the keyboard, acting like a popstar and bowing to every corner. Jeno is one of the guitarists, smiling meekly at everyone while strumming some basic chords, and soundchecking the microphone placed in front of him.

Of course, Jaemin is there to hype him up. “Fuck it up, Jeno Lee!” He shouts in English, raising his arms and pumping them. “FUCK IT UP BABE!”

Rather than this being encouraging to Jeno, this leads him to more embarrassment, looking away and proceeding to act like he did not hear Jaemin reference one of their favorite Vines in front of everyone.

While the rest are checking their instruments one last time, Renjun begins to speak. “So good evening to the girls, gays, and _trash cans _of this batch. We’re going to deliver a serenade to everyone so if you want to sway with the love of your life, feel free!”

Mark is getting shaky, Jaemin notices. “Who is that guy, and why is he wearing a suit?” He hears Donghyuck ask him. He keeps his blank expression on, shrugging his shoulders as a response.

“A special guest maybe,” Jaemin lies.

Some of the seniors have gotten up from their chairs, taking their dates to the middle. Jaemin wishes he can do that too, but the person he wants to sway with is on stage.

“Before we really sing, I just want to say that this is your chance to confess to who you really like. I believe in you, guys.” Jeno encourages everyone while playing a basic tune with his guitar.

Everyone, except for Donghyuck, has their eyes as wide as the disco ball from above them. The reaction does not last long though, as some have taken Jeno’s words to heart, approaching the people they like.

Jaemin is happy to see that there are many of them gently holding the hands of the people they like.

When more people get to the middle, Jeno cutely murmurs, “Yay.” Love is beginning to fill the air of the night, and it has not gotten to Donghyuck just yet, but it will later.

He catches Jeno beaming at him, and his urge to kiss him is at its strongest. Jaemin makes sure that they’re going to have a mouth wrestling match once prom is over. He won’t be showing any mercy. Even if the former is cute, he has no intent of letting him breathe.

“Hi guys, I just wanna say that I’m here for Lee Donghyuck.”

Mark’s voice echoes, and Jaemin continues acting oblivious, turning to Donghyuck. His best friend is weirded out by the sudden mention of his name.

“I will explain myself later, I swear.” The masked man says.

“I feel like I heard that voice from somewhere,” Donghyuck mutters, his voice getting softer with each word. “Or maybe the teenage angst is getting to me and all I hear is Mark.”

_Oh you are hearing him, Hyuckie. _Jaemin gets up from his chair, dragging his best friend along with him to the middle. He thinks that he and Donghyuck need to do some dancing.

As the two of them have a height difference, Jaemin takes advantage of it. He makes him place his hands on both of his shoulders, and in turn he places his palms on Donghyuck’s waist.

“I’m not saying that crying over Mark Lee is a bad thing, but he won’t be worth your tears.” Jaemin states and laughs in his head, knowing that his words mean something else. Donghyuck still cannot see through his act, just shrugging his shoulders and pouting.

They begin swaying around, seeing other people dance together, and it’s really cute. The guitar begins to play a familiar intro, but his back is facing the stage so he cannot see anything. Donghyuck, on the other hand, can see everything.

Jaemin can see his longing gaze directed at the stage, the moment Mark begins to sing. He is surprised that he has not gotten the clue yet.

Donghyuck raises his head upwards, trying to stop his tears. “Why the fuck are they singing _that _song?” He mumbles, taking heavy breaths.

“What about Lovebug?” Jaemin asks innocently, still swaying to the rhythm, his hands still on his best friend’s waist. “Don’t tell me—,”

Now, it is Donghyuck’s back that is facing the stage, and Jaemin takes this time to admire Jeno, who is playing the guitar in such a cool manner as always. Whatever he does is always cool, and it’s not supposedly surprising anymore, but he always feels like he’ll never stop being shocked at how talented he is.

_Okay, enough of Jeno. _“It’s his favorite song.” Donghyuck gulps the lump down his throat, tears already beginning to brim in the corners of his eyes, about to smudge his smokey eye makeup.

Jaemin is so close to telling him that the masked man in a suit is the person he has been missing most, so that he won’t prolong his heartache.

But the chorus hits, and Mark takes his mask off while singing. Jeno is already singing along with him as it is happening, and Jaemin takes this as a queue to make Donghyuck face the stage.

_“Now I’m speechless, over the edge and just breathless. I never thought that I’d catch this lovebug again. Hopeless, head over heels in the moment, never thought that I’d get hit by this lovebug again.”_

“You’re in for a shock, Hyuckie!” Jaemin chirps. The rest of the seniors gasp at the face that’s behind the mask, and right before Donghyuck could even ask what was going on, Jaemin turns him around.

A small gasp comes out of Donghyuck once his eyes are on the stage. Jaemin can see his shoulders begin to quiver, the moment Mark grins at him.

Jaemin shifts his eyes to Jeno who is now singing, his eyes turning into moon crescents again as he enunciates every lyric softly. The latter sees him but doesn’t do anything cheesy as expected. It’s okay though, because before the headbanging part of Lovebug, Mark gets off of the stage and runs to Donghyuck.

Renjun was about to make his biggest moment, by giving his all on the keyboard, but by the time everyone was about to scream Mark plants a kiss on Donghyuck’s lips.

Basically, he did not make his biggest moment, but he continues playing the keyboard anyway. Everyone else cheers for Mark and Donghyuck as they continued kissing each other under the lights; Jaemin is one of them, raising his arms and chanting to keep kissing.

As all of this is happening, Jeno takes over the last chorus of the song, belting out with his eyes closed while still playing the chords. His voice makes the entire moment even more romantic, and Jaemin’s heart swells from how pretty he sounds.

It makes his heart go _zoom zoom_. This night could not get any better.

When the song ends, everyone applauds the performers, and then they clap for Mark and Donghyuck. They are both blushing so hard and the sight is too adorable, Jaemin took some pictures of it to send to his best friend later. These pictures will also be for future use.

“If there’s anyone who wants to kiss me, I’m just here, okay?” Renjun announces through the microphone, winking at someone who just gagged at his words. “I would love to have someone kiss me, thank you.”

Jaemin is not surprised hearing it from the class president. He would also want a kiss too, like right now.

By the time he begins fantasizing of getting kissed under the glistening disco ball, he blinks his eyes and suddenly, Jeno is bringing him to the center of the floor, his moon crescent eyes showing again.

_Damn_, Jaemin thinks. _I was thinking of a Vine to express what I felt, but sure I guess._

Jaemin does not get a chance to speak as soon as the disco ball is right above them. Just as some pairs surrounding them share some displays of affection like hugging, Jeno presses his lips on his.

Suddenly, it feels like the world just lost all kinds of lights and he can’t see the ones surrounding them anymore. It feels like it’s just them on the floor that can be seen, right in the moment. The gasps, cheers, and all the other noises fade out. As cliché as it sounds, it feels like nothing remained, but them.

He is thinking that maybe Jeno is feeling the same way too, or maybe he is feeling something similar to this.

Just as he feels his legs about to wobble, Jeno holds him. This is not the first time Jaemin is feeling like this. There is so much going on in his stomach right now, so much that he cannot pinpoint every single one of those feelings.

It serves as a reminder that he loves Jeno, and he makes him experience constant explosions of emotions. _Fireworks_. So intense that it’s making him trippy.

“You didn’t see that coming?” Jeno grins as he pulls away, resting his forehead against his own.

_Oh yeah, I didn’t. I really didn’t. _He laughs to himself in his head.

Rather than answering his question, Jaemin leans in for a kiss again, slow. Making sure that he makes Jeno feel what he is feeling at the moment, that someone like him is making him feel _this_ much.

*

The prom ended on a pretty chaotic note. The prom king and queen happened to be exes, who still have some tension with each other, who are desperate for closure. Watching them on their first dance was a challenge for everyone; the bitterness filled the atmosphere.

But the ones most bitter were the prom king and queen’s current lovers, or flings. Now it’s a hot topic among the seniors, and Jaemin happens to scroll down his Twitter feed that are full of tweets about it.

They had a lot to say. Tea was spilled through expose threads, tweets that are not backed up with receipts to prove anything, and many more. Jaemin chuckles from time to time. Oh does he love drama.

While Jaemin continues to swipe his thumb upwards on his phone screen, his free hand is placed on top of Jeno’s, which are on his lap.

He takes his time feeling every inch of the back of Jeno’s hand. The skin feels cold, like there is not enough blood running through his protruding veins. He gives warmth from his own palm, and looks up from his phone just to take a good look at him.

Jeno sighs, probably from the warmth. Jaemin squeezes his hand.

His eyes shift to his hand on the steering wheel, seeing a ring on the fourth finger of his left hand. Jaemin places his phone on his lap to inspect his own right hand, only to see that the ring Jeno gave him is identical to what he is wearing as well.

How come he did not notice it earlier?

“You didn’t tell me about the ring.” Jaemin voices his thoughts while looking at how pretty the accessory looks on Jeno, shining under the post lamps on the sides of the street.

Jeno lets out his trademark noise of confusion again, sparing a glance at him before turning his eyes back on the road. “I—I thought I did.”

Jaemin smirks. “I guess it slipped your mind since you kept kissing me back there.”

He watches Jeno’s cheeks turn pink at the remark; Jaemin laughs because despite all the confidence he exuded on showing his love and affection so far, he still reacts like this when on the receiving end. Just like when they were still labeled as best friends.

“_Oh_.” Jeno mumbles under his breath, the pink in his cheeks darkening as they passed another post lamp. “Sorry.”

They are already in some neighborhood they are not familiar with. All the lights in the houses are already off, except for one on their left. Jaemin realizes that he’s about to go home.

He did not want to go home yet.

“That ring you’re wearing is an heirloom, sorta.” Jeno glances at his own ring, then Jaemin’s. His eyes are shining like the piece of jewelry on his ring finger. “My dad gave it to my mom when he was sure that he wanted her to be with him, for the rest of his life. A promise ring, basically.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows scrunch, confused. “So…” He trails off, still not getting what Jeno is talking about—or maybe he has, but his mind is swimming in a sea of denial.

The hand on his lap moves to grab his right hand, intertwining their fingers as soon as they touch. “Long story short, I’m giving you this ring because I want you to be with me. Not just now, or in the next few months or years. I want you to be the person I’ll always, _always _come home to.”

After that, Jaemin’s brain just goes on autopilot, and what it plans to do is shut down. He just stares at their intertwined fingers, particularly at the rings they are both wearing.

It feels like he’s being proposed to. Another explosion of emotions occurs inside him.

The truck parks a few blocks away from Jaemin’s home. “You can give it back if it feels too much.” Jeno’s voice shrinks with each word.

Rather than trying to form a comprehensive response, Jaemin unbuckles his seatbelt and gets out of the truck, shocking Jeno. He walks a few steps forward, enough just for him to still be seen by the vehicle’s headlights.

Knowing that someone he loves gives him something with so much sentimental value as a promise ring; it makes Jaemin want to sing a love song in the middle of the street, off-key. But he does not do that, he is on his knees now, his hands covering his face.

Too happy to put into words, Jaemin sobs out loud. He does not give a fuck about how he looks anymore, prom is over anyway. The eye makeup he worked so hard on to execute perfectly will be unfortunately ruined by his fat tears.

Jaemin continues crying even as Jeno gets out of the truck and approaches him, asking him if he is okay. Of course, he shakes his head at the question. He is _not_ okay, in a good way. There is just so much bubbling inside him right now, so many emotions he cannot name all at once.

But one thing is for sure: Jaemin has fallen deeper. He thinks that he has reached the rock bottom of his love for the guy who has been beside him for years. He almost thought he knew the amount of love he has, but now he is _falling _again.

Falling into some pit that has no end, that’s what. Jaemin sobs even more, when Jeno embraces him with one arm around his waist.

Jaemin is terrified that once they’re in the different colleges they are in, all of these moments can suddenly mean nothing. He can really give this ring back to Jeno because things between them did not work out. There is a chance that this feeling, this evening can be just a memory he will repeatedly relive in his slumber.

They have not even reached a month yet within their relationship, but Jaemin is worrying like they’re a longtime couple that’s going to part ways for the first time. Maybe they have been in love since the very beginning. He doesn’t know.

“Why are you crying?” Jeno asks him as soon as Jaemin is not covering his face anymore, only to see that his makeup is already a mess, looking crappy. Despite that though, he wipes the latter’s tears away with his thumbs. “You don’t like it?”

Jaemin tries to get himself together, but he can’t. He can’t help but cry over something they can worry about later on. He can’t help but think ahead, and _overthink _about it. “I love it.” His voice cracks at the last word. “I’m just emotional, and sad, and overthinking.”

Both of Jeno’s arms are now wrapped around his waist. “Overthinking about what?”

“_Us,_” Jaemin’s voice cracks again. “What will happen to us in the future. Like, what if we fuck up and we don’t work things out. What if I give up on you first? What if we just break up because of something small?” Jaemin sniffles, looking away from his boyfriend. “What if sometime in the future, the idea of _you and I_ will not sit well with us anymore?”

Jaemin wishes he was not born dramatic and cringey. He may look like an angsty, insecure fool in front of Jeno right now, for letting these thoughts get to him in such a precious moment. He wishes he just focused on the now, and not the tomorrow that seems so close that he can already grasp it.

However, Jeno just smiles—that kind of smile that seems to tell him that _it’s alright, because I feel the same too_. A smile that’s there to tell him that he isn’t the only one thinking that way. A smile that tells him they are in this together.

And that makes Jaemin feel better.

“That’s what I thought on the night I snuck into your room and took you out to McDonald’s.” Jeno sighs at the end of the sentence. “I thought of the exact same thing. I thought that if I confessed to you at that time, I’d ruin what we have and we’ll spend the rest of what remained of our senior year apart.”

Jaemin shakes his head, remembering when Jeno sang Ribs to him as they swayed on the cargo area of the truck, remembering what he said to lighten the latter’s worries. He remembers everything he felt during that night.

“But you’ve reminded me of our horoscope compatibility.” Jeno chuckles, because it sounds silly, and Jaemin chuckles with him too. “That if we conquered outer space, then this planet’s got nothing on us.”

Out of second nature, they rest their foreheads against each other, closing their eyes. Jeno holds him tighter. “So let’s have a little faith in ourselves. I’m scared too, but I love you. I’m all yours. If any of us get hurt, I’m making sure it’s not you.”

Jaemin encircles his arms around his neck. “I love you.”

It makes sense. The idea of the two of them makes perfect sense. They are something else. This development between the two of them makes sense, even if astrology begs to differ.

*

_Here is to many, many years of proving the entire universe wrong, Lee Jeno. I’m yours always._

*

After frustrating and tiring days at school trying to go through the entire process of the event, the day has finally come. They are graduating.

Jaemin cannot believe it, even as he sits with schoolmates that are graduating with honors as well. His graduation cap is kept in place, his toga is also okay, and there is nothing much to worry about. He is ready to grab his diploma and close this particular chapter in life.

Well, he is not sure about Jeno, but he can see him constantly fixing his cap at the front row, sitting with the valedictorian of their batch. Jaemin even wonders what his speech will be like, but he knows it’s going to be good.

Jeno has a way with words like that.

The event then commences, and the principal gives their speech. Afterwards, each section is called one by one; the students will march up to the stage and grab their diplomas and certificates.

He proudly watches Donghyuck grab his diploma, Jaemin gets up from his chair and claps for him. His best friend responds with gang signs as he poses for the camera at the front, which makes him laugh.

Donghyuck is glowing this time around, and it definitely has something to do with Mark, who is in the crowd at the back with his best friend’s parents. Jaemin sits back down on his chair, and continues to clap for everyone else after him.

He also watches Renjun get up on stage with gold sunglasses that have frames shaped like a star. For the picture, he poses by puckering his lips and raising his middle finger, which surprises every parent in the venue but his own.

Yangyang, aside from getting his diploma, receives a medal for some sport competition he joined during the first month of the school year. His smile is wide and genuine when he holds his medal and does a peace sign for the camera, making some girls in their batch swoon.

And then, the time came for him to march up on stage. Jaemin gets up from his chair and lines up with the others, a huge grin on his face.

“Na Jaemin, graduating with honors.”

He hears people applaud loudly, and it makes him avert his eyes from the crowd, walking to the administrators and shaking their hands and thanking them. When he sees his diploma _along _with a bronze academic medal, he feels tears about to come to his eyes again.

All of the tears he shed for school, all the time he could’ve spent having fun, and all the breakdowns he had just to get the grades have paid off. He has a medal to prove that, and for that moment it meant the whole world to him.

His class adviser puts the medal on him, and gives him his diploma.

He did it.

Jaemin shakes their hand and proceeds to the center of the stage, posing for the camera. He bites a part of his medal and does a peace sign with confidence, which makes his fellow seniors clap loudly for him.

What catches his attention is Jeno’s voice though, the loudest in the room. “That’s my Jaemin!” He screams, and Jaemin tries to act cool as he goes down the stage and back to his chair. His ears still turn red.

“Who would’ve thought Jeno was _that _proud boyfriend?” The person he is sitting next to nudges his arm, a teasing smirk on their face. Jaemin looks away, the colors of his ears and cheeks coming from a soft pink to a hot red. “Na Jaemin got lucky.”

Despite the bashfulness, Jaemin nods in agreement. “I’m _more_ than lucky with him.” Coincidentally, the ring his boyfriend gave him during prom night shines from the sunlight seeping through the small windows of the school’s auditorium.

Everything else happened too slowly. Lots of clapping, lots of statements that passed from his right ear to his left ear unregistered. It felt like the ceremony wasn’t going to end soon, so he held onto his diploma like it’s one of his plush toys.

Suddenly, Jeno gets called to the stage. The _salutatorian _is about to deliver his speech. Jaemin claps really hard for him, as he watches him get up the stage confidently. However, he sees his hand that’s holding a piece of paper shake a little.

Jeno’s eyes shine brightly as he adjusts his face a little to the mic, while clearing his throat. Jaemin knows very well how much he worked for him to get to stand there. He knows, because he was there to help him cope with the academic pressure, helped him get past his anxiety too many times, and more. They had each other through and through.

And they’ll still be each other’s support system, even as they part ways for college.

“Just like everyone else, I’m scared of what will happen once we get to college. It feels like we’re growing up too fast, and I had my own share of scary thoughts of what will come. But there is more room for growth when we get out of high school, and I bet some things won’t change.”

Jeno’s eyes that are supposedly on the audience shift to Jaemin.

“It is because we have our roots, something to look back on. _Something_…_someone_ we come back to. _Home_. And that can be enough for us to continue on this journey of life, as we try to become more mature individuals with each lesson we encounter.”

After that, Jeno left the stage and it was time for the valedictorian to deliver his speech to everyone. To Jaemin, it felt like a speech with too many clichés, but whatever. Everything else has its huge share of clichés as well, including love.

When the ceremony ended, all of them ran to the school’s football field. They threw their graduation caps in the air with idiotic grins, screaming at the top of their lungs as they bathed under the unforgiving sunlight.

But not Jeno and Jaemin. They both ran to where their families were waiting for them as they threw their graduation caps. When they got there, the first thing they did was plant their knees to the ground upon seeing their children: Bongshik, Byeolie, Nal, and Seol.

“Your parents finally graduated, kids!” Jeno exclaims, holding Bongshik and Nal with his arms, keeping them close to his face. He knows his allergy is going to act up later on upon doing this, but he’d do anything to get a family picture.

“Aren’t they so cute?” Jaemin hears his mom coo to Mrs. Lee, who is holding the camera. He prepares to pose for the picture, trying to keep a very hyper Byeolie in place as he cradles him like a baby, whereas Nal rests on the Samoyed’s stomach.

He checks on them one more time before moving closer to Jeno, and rests the side of his head against his. It’s what they usually do, and their moms love it, so why not do it?

There is no counting of one to three, not even just saying smile. A lot of pictures have been taken a little later, and Mrs. Lee makes the two check the photos they took.

“Wow, Nal is so photogenic.” Jaemin points out what he notices.

“And we look really cute.” Jeno mutters, turning to him. “Like a real family.”

With the tone in his voice, it seems like he has already planned their future in the long run. Just the thought of starting a family, being parents with jobs that pay, having a child and raising them with the right amount of love and affection, is quite burdensome.

But it seems promising regardless. That’s for a few years for them to think deeply about, so he lets the thought pass.

After the ceremony, both of their families gave them permission to do whatever they want. It also turns out that Jeno’s parents will be going somewhere so their son has the house to himself. The two settle on staying there for the night, rather than going to the afterparty.

Jaemin is in the secret lair again, his tie loose and lying down on the mattress, looking up at the ceiling. He’s waiting for Jeno to grab some surprise that’s on the fridge.

Which is why he’s here, remembering the time they shared their first kiss here, up until they made out on this very mattress. He feels his face reddening, still able to recall how Jeno gripped his thigh and how he kissed him with so much fervor.

But he also remembers how Jeno smiled at him, how he held him like he wanted him all to himself, so strong and yet so gentle. He remembers how sincere he was when he confessed in the truck before they even got here, how they both cried because it felt like a long time coming. It felt like everything was coming full circle.

“Okay, I’m back.”

He sits up immediately, seeing Jeno carrying two bottles of beer with him, his tie off long ago and shirt mostly unbuttoned. He is not surprised, really. Ever since they breathed their first breath as adults, they grew to have this attachment to alcohol. It is like their trustworthy companion throughout victories, heartbreaks, and moments where they feel like they’re on the verge of another existential crisis.

They are not alcoholics though, but with the way they drink it like water and bring up about wanting to have another whenever they have the chance, they can be.

“Wow it’s _cold_.” Jaemin remarks as Jeno gives him a just uncapped bottle, the air coming out of it.

“Beer’s nice when it’s cold.” Jeno uncaps his own bottle with ease, clinks it with Jaemin’s bottle as he softly mutters, “Cheers.”

“Cheers,” and they gulp down a half of it. The bitter aftertaste makes their bodies jerk, as they haven’t drank since the party. But the heat of the alcohol kicks in, and they sigh contentedly at the feeling in their stomachs.

He feels his shoulder getting heavy, with Jeno resting the side of his head against it deeply. For a second, Jaemin thought that this action was already a sign of him being tipsy.

Well, he is not tipsy at all. He watches Jeno play around with their hands, the ones with their rings on it. Perhaps Jaemin is the tipsy one this time around. _Damn_, he thinks to himself as he feels his boyfriend lift his head from his shoulder, replacing it with one of his arms. _I’m so sleepy._

Like second nature, Jaemin wraps his arms around his waist, nuzzling his nose against his neck. He holds onto Jeno like he is the bear plush toy he always wanted as a child, his embrace getting tighter and never letting him go.

_Here I go, I’m being sentimental._

He remembers hugging Jeno close that one afternoon when they were fourteen. He was crying over something he was infuriated about back then, Jaemin couldn’t remember what. But he remembered embracing him in the way he is doing it now, hoping that his warmth could provide comfort.

“Hey, Jaemin.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

A kiss on the crown of his head. Jaemin sighs contentedly, his warm breath coming in contact with the side of his boyfriend’s neck. “I love you too,” He replies.

“Aren’t you gonna get tired of telling me you love me?” Jaemin’s insecurities begin to talk.

“_Never_,” Jeno hums. It does not do much to let the darkest parts of his brain vanish, but Jaemin holds onto it like it’s a promise.

“Have I told you how grateful I am for you?” Jeno asks, with a softer voice now. The sincerity in his voice is still there. Jaemin is wondering if this openness coming from him is due to the alcohol they just consumed. “Have I told you that I’m highly convinced you’re my soulmate?”

“Jeno, are you drunk?” Jaemin shoots back a question genuinely, no longer burying his face on his neck and looking right into his eyes. What he sees is Jeno genuinely looking into his eyes, not showing a sign of tipsiness at all.

_Liquid courage? _Jaemin asks himself as he begins to get lost in his boyfriend’s eyes—the eyes of the love of his life.

He shakes his head, cupping Jaemin’s face with his hands now, his eyes able to speak for themselves. “This is one of the rare times I can ever be genuine without wanting to cringe, so let me just tell you these things, okay? Even if you’ve heard it before.”

Jaemin leans in, pressing his lips against Jeno’s quickly. “Okay.”

“I love you, Na Jaemin.” He tells him again, his thumbs caressing his cheeks. Jaemin does not respond, waits for him to continue. Jeno breathes in heavily. “You mean the entire world to me.”

The thought of making someone the center of your universe is something Jaemin detested ever since he heard it. He found it unrealistic, and just a sugarcoated term for obsessing over someone, but now that he is in love he _understands_. He understands what those romance novelists mean by someone becoming your world.

That term is not enough to even describe how it feels.

“You’re the one. The only one I’ll probably ever want.” Jaemin tells him, taking hold of one of his hands. The three words make him want to tell the ground to swallow him alive, but he’d rather say it than say nothing at all. “You’re the one I always wanna be with.”

Deep down, Jaemin thinks that another version of himself in a different universe is saying the same thing at the moment, to a different version of Jeno. Perhaps there are other versions of him who don’t need to say this, because the other versions of his soulmate already know.

“And you’re the one I will always want to come home to.” Jeno mutters.

Silence ensues, and the secret lair is brighter than usual. It’s probably because the moon is so bright right now, making sure that every single spot of the place is lit up, making sure that they see each other’s faces.

Jaemin’s heart is beating so fast, it feels like he’s going to vomit it out. He deals with it by grabbing his bottle and taking small sips, letting the bitterness fill his system. Jeno does not even take a sip anymore, just clings onto him like his life depends on it.

Like they’re going to move out of this place the next day and move to their respective dormitories. Like this sweet moment is going to end in the speed of light. Like the concept of _them _will cease to exist the next day.

“We’ll have this summer to spend more time with each other.” Jaemin changes the subject and smiles goofily, thinking of a possible trip to the beach, ice cream parlor dates, sleepovers at each other’s homes—just being _with him_. “I’m all yours for these two months.”

“What do you want to do tomorrow then?” Jeno asks, his hands now on his thighs, lifting him a bit so Jaemin ends up on his lap.

“How does getting our healthy heads bleached sound?” Jaemin suggests, an arm now around his neck, while running his fingers through Jeno’s still healthy locks, liking how they feel against his fingers. “For a change.”

Jeno does not even pause to think about it, nodding immediately at the idea. “Cool.” Jaemin grins at how he agreed so quickly, despite the possibility of other bad things that can happen to their scalps.

And both of their parents definitely won’t be happy about it at all, most especially Jeno’s, but _fuck it_. They might as well spend their days like everything is going to end soon.

“Why does it feel like time is running out with you?” Jaemin is not sure if it’s the alcohol or if it’s his feelings, but he feels heat come to his cheeks the moment he hears Jeno whisper in his ear, and leaves a soft kiss on his neck after.

“It isn’t. It does not have to.” He replies, wrapping his arms around his neck now. “I’m still here.”

There’s a shift in the atmosphere. They can feel it. Jaemin feels his cheeks get hotter when he catches his gaze, and as much as he wants to look away, he can’t.

Jaemin can already tell what he wants to say through looking into his eyes. It’s always been like that for years. But his heart palpitates when Jeno does not give him time to reply and goes for it, reconnecting their lips so heatedly.

Now they are making out again, but this time, Jaemin feels like this is going to lead to something else.

He feels Jeno untuck his dress shirt from his slacks, his warm hands running through his sides and then on his back. The sensation makes Jaemin squirm in his embrace, makes him grip his hair tightly.

Suddenly, he is lying on the mattress again. Everything is blurry to him now. In the midst of his head spinning, he spreads his legs apart and Jeno rests between his hips.

A small gasp comes out of his mouth when he realizes what he is doing and feels the friction come out of it. Jaemin’s ears get red, and he chooses to close his eyes. He can’t handle the way Jeno is staring at him, it just adds to how bothered he feels from the way they’re grinding on each other with their clothes still on.

Eventually, it gets more intense and desperate, and Jaemin whines because Jeno creates a new love mark, blossoming on the most sensitive part of his neck. He is already panting, wanting nothing more than to have his clothes off. He supposes Jeno feels the same.

Up to this, Jaemin keeps his eyes closed. That is, until he feels his breath ghosting over his swollen rouge lips. “Look at me.” Perhaps Jeno didn’t mean for it to come off seductive, but it makes him suck in a breath, makes him feel like he’s about to lose it, and beg for it.

With all the sanity remaining in him, Jaemin’s eyes flutter open, and he feels Jeno looking into his soul with his black eyes.

“Are you okay?”

_Definitely not_, Jaemin thinks begrudgingly as he feels the pain down there. The underwear and slacks he has on does not give him any sense of comfort anymore. Adding to that, he is getting hornier with each minute passing by.

He gulps hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “I’m hard. Your fault.”

Rather than showing the slightest bit of shame, Jeno chuckles and murmurs, “Me too.” He buries his face on the side of Jaemin’s neck afterwards, his nose nuzzling one of the few love bites he created earlier.

It causes a lewd noise to slip past Jaemin’s lips, ruining the already awkward atmosphere just now.

“Jeno, we should do something about this.” Jaemin whimpers upon feeling him roll his hips on his clothed crotch again, shame beginning to course through his veins because he can’t hold back from letting his mouth make more noises.

It’s funny how he wanted this, how he thought this was going to go smoothly for him, but here he was acting the way a virgin should: bashful, blushy, and sensitive.

But Jeno peppers his face with kisses as he pulls him to sit up, assuring him that there really is nothing to be ashamed of. It makes Jaemin feel safer, more loved—it makes his heart burst in happiness.

He makes himself small in his hold, quickly wrapping his legs around his waist and his hands molding onto his shoulders. Jeno pecks his lips, and the redness of his cheeks and ears spreads to his nape.

“Do you really want to do something about this?” Jeno asks softly, but he can see the struggle and frustration in his face despite the gentle tone. To see that he is still asking for consent, that he is still concerned about his state first before his own, is something Jaemin is very used to.

But it never fails to melt his heart, especially now.

Jaemin’s gaze shifts from his eyes to his lips. The pad of his forefinger gently touches Jeno’s already swollen bottom lip, thinking of how much he wants to feel more of that in every part of his body.

That he is ready to let Jeno have his way with him.

He nods eagerly, looking into his eyes again. “P-Please.” He stutters out. “I want you.”

And the things that happen after that are hazy. As soon as they got out of the secret lair and into the corridor of the second floor, Jaemin finds himself clinging onto his soulmate like a koala while his lips get abused even more.

How Jeno manages to get them into his bedroom without letting him fall from his grip, making him bump against anything, or anything unfortunate with his eyes closed, Jaemin does not know how he does it.

Although they are both horny and can’t wait any longer to touch each other’s bare skin, Jeno still places him on the bed gently, one of his hands on the back of his neck. His other hand is busy fondling his ass, and Jaemin enjoys every squeeze, moaning loudly.

“Tell me if I’m hurting you, okay? Or hit me.” Jeno utters in the midst of nibbling his earlobe while tugging his slacks downwards effortlessly.

“J-Just hurry up.” Jaemin mumbles, raising his hips so Jeno can pull the article of clothing off with ease. As soon as it’s discarded somewhere in the room and his legs are exposed, the latter immediately clutches his thighs.

They happen to be one of his most sensitive body parts. So when Jeno begins to nibble on the supple skin, leaving purplish bites on both of his inner thighs, Jaemin had to put a hand over his mouth to suppress the obscene noises coming out of him.

He may not be able to say this out loud, but even if Jeno is worshipping his body at the moment, Jaemin still feels ashamed of his own body.

After feeling satisfied from the amount of marks he left, Jeno pushes up his slightly unbuttoned shirt, until he sees his lean stomach.

Regardless of his insecurities, Jaemin is trembling from how this is all real and not a forgotten wet dream. He used to think it would not be that much of a big deal, but it is. Maybe it is now because it’s Jeno who is doing these things to him, someone whom he loves and cares about. Someone who has been with him for years and can read him so easily, someone who has seen most of his ugly parts.

Jaemin can feel a new set of love bites turning purple on his stomach, liking the slight sting that comes with it. He also likes how Jeno’s hands are going through his body as if he is some object about to shatter in his hold, careful and gentle.

But what he likes the most is the way Jeno is looking at him, every single part of him. His intense gaze gives away that he can lose control at any moment, but the way he is being held says otherwise. Jaemin is happy that he is being treated well.

It is not long before his shirt is off and thrown somewhere around the room as well, leaving him in nothing but his underwear. Jaemin still has his hand over his mouth, still scared of what kind of obscene noise can come out of his mouth.

“Don’t cover your mouth.” Jeno whines cutely, contrasting the way he was acting earlier. Jaemin wants to whine at him as well, that he has the audacity to be so hot a few minutes ago and back to being his adorable awkward self after. “I wanna hear you.”

“But hearing myself is so weird!” Jaemin counters, weakly hitting Jeno’s chest. He still has most of his clothes on, unfortunately.

Jeno frowns and shakes his head aggressively as he pries his hand from his mouth, holding it close to his face. “You sound really beautiful,” He confesses.

He blinks his eyes a couple times, trying to register what he’s saying. As soon as he does, Jaemin’s doe-like eyes begin to water.

And as if that isn’t enough to make his heart burst, Jeno leaves a kiss on his knuckles that lingers, smiling afterwards with his crescent eyes.

“I’m just overwhelmed right now.” Jeno continues, his cheeks and ears turning beet red, but still not breaking eye contact. “By how beautiful you are.”

Jaemin’s lips begin to have a mind of its own, quivering. He bites his lower lip, trying his best to stop a sob from coming out. Suddenly the self-deprecating thoughts he has been ignoring vanish in a blink, no longer there, and have no plans of coming back.

No matter how much he tries to keep himself together, to not show a sign of vulnerability, a tear manages to escape, and then another. He curses mentally for crying so much already. It gets to the point that his cheeks get wet, and Jeno is horrified.

“D-Did I say something wrong?” Jeno stammers, sounding already guilty, even if it is not his fault at all. “D-Don’t cry—,”

Jaemin sits up, not letting him talk any further by kissing his lips with all that he is feeling at the moment, because he knows a simple “I love you” won’t encapsulate everything. Perhaps this kiss won’t even do the trick, but he hopes Jeno feels it.

And he does feel it. Jeno kisses him back with much more force, the intensity of it overwhelming him but lets it happen. Jaemin’s hands end up resting on his chest as the other bites his lip, coaxing him to open his mouth.

As soon as Jeno starts sucking on his tongue, the tears sliding down his cheeks multiply. Jaemin moans and pulls him closer by the back of his neck, shedding away every bit of embarrassment he felt earlier.

Jaemin attempts to unbutton his shirt, but he does it so clumsily that Jeno had to help him take it off. Once the article of clothing is gone, he lets his hands roam over his now exposed chest and back.

They both look messy, with their hair sticking out and all over the place, their lips red and swollen, and most especially Jaemin with the purple blemishes Jeno created on his body. But it’s fine, the former thinks as he rests his forehead against his, his hands fumbling quickly to unzip his slacks and take it off.

He is sure that Jeno will be the only one who will ever witness him become this open and fragile. And being like this in front of him is not even so bad; instead, it makes him feel safe, cared for, and adored.

It makes him feel something click in him, makes him feel complete.

Jaemin just lets everything else happen once all the garments are off. He lets himself melt with every single touch and kiss he receives from Jeno, whom he sensed is still holding back.

Which is why when he hears him breathe heavily near his ear, his knuckles turning white from clutching the bed sheets so tightly, Jaemin assures him that it’s alright. “Don’t hold back,” He whispers, his hands running down his toned back. He hears Jeno let out the most strangled sigh he has ever heard, and a very soft grunt as he feels his iron grip on his hips.

Honestly, it is awkward. Sure, they know what is done during sex, but at the same time, it feels like they have no idea what they are doing. But they’ll eventually get the hang of it.

When Jeno enters him after prepping him with his fingers, Jaemin agrees that it feels like he is being torn apart internally, but it is not as bad as some others make it out to be. He appreciates Jeno’s efforts to distract him from how painful it is, holding both of his hands and kissing his tear-stained cheeks, murmuring how much he loves him against his skin.

To be honest, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Later on, Jaemin’s loud and shameless moans fill the corners of the bedroom, along with the creaking of the bed and Jeno’s ragged groans.

They continue to hold each other’s hands as he picks up the pace, as Jaemin’s toes begin to curl and he is already _screaming_, the stimulation of his prostate making him more sensitive than he already is.

It even gets to the point that all he can do is sob from the pleasure, a fresh batch of tears sliding down the sides of his face as Jeno thrusts into him, over and over.

Adding to that, Jeno would even whisper sweet words in his ear. He gets told that he looks pretty underneath him, that he is the only one he will ever want. It overwhelms Jaemin emotionally, that he can’t even say anything back because he’s speechless and the other would thrust into him before he can even start thinking.

Even if it’s awkward, unstable, and clumsy, Jaemin still feels good. It shows by the moment he comes, his back arching from the bed, looking like he’s about to pass out from the intensity of his orgasm. He knows Jeno experienced the same, as he heard him moan in his ear as he came after him.

But he thinks that what makes this moment special the most is that months ago, he was in his room writing about how he realized he liked his best friend in his journal. He had no idea that he’d be here now, embraced by that person. Someone he has probably been in love with before he even knew he was.

As he feels his eyes getting heavy, he thinks of how most of the things that has happened so far are unexpected, similar to a sucker punch. Jaemin feels like all of the emotional rollercoasters his dramatic and emotional ass had to go through are worth it, because he’s here, with him.

Before he falls asleep, he caresses Jeno’s cheek and weakly whispers, “Love you, Jen.”

“Love you more.” Jeno says it back. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Can’t wait.”

_This is real. _It is Jaemin’s last thought before he falls asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> i’d appreciate it if you leave a comment! ;u; you can punch me in twitter or in curiouscat! have a lovely day!


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